Stability and Example

Photo from envato.com

So yesterday I went to the Medicross Clinic, since I was in dire need of some drugs and reassurance. Being pregnant and sick with the flu can do that to you! So, I came away with very little in the way of meds (anything for baby) and a lot in the way of reassurance (Thanks Dr Kamedien!)

And as we were talking about kids and the raising of kids and all the useful/useless/frightening/depressing advice that people tend to give about the topic, he said something that really hit home. And while I wish I had recorded it, you'll just have to make do with my preggy-muddled memory of it. So this is, loosely, what he said:

The best thing you can give your child is stability and example.

And most importantly, the example of a stable marriage. 

You'll have your kids with you for 18 maybe 20 years and then they leave, but you still have to make it work with your partner. And many people focus so much on the kids in those years that, by the time the nest is empty, they are complete strangers and end up divorcing. 

If you really want the best for your kids then give them an example of a stable, happy relationship. But don't just stay together for the kids, that's not healthy or helpful to anyone. Kids aren't stupid, they know when you're being fake. But they are also adjustable. People tend to center their lives around their kids, which means that there's very little left of their lives once the kids leave home. You need to center your life around your marriage, the kids will adjust to it just fine. And lets face it, kids from a home with a happy marriage just tend to do better on the whole.

That doesn't mean that you're not going to mess up your kids. Everyone tries to be the perfect parent and yet everyone manages to get something wrong. Let's be honest, every parent makes mistakes. But if there is one gift you could give your child, wouldn't it be stability and a good example to follow?

Think about it.

One of the biggest decisions any person will ever make is who they choose to spend their life with. Your career, where you live, when you have kids, etc. those are all major decision but they are small in comparison, if you really think about it. It is the one choice that can bring them years of happiness en growth and love. And one of the things that cause the most pain and suffering in a persons life can be their relationships. So isn't a solid example of a happy relationship a gift that you can give your child that will be valuable for the rest of their lives?

Working on your marriage is not optional. Having a stable, happy marriage can make your life and kids lives, richer, more rewarding and much less complicated. You owe it to your kids, you owe it to your partner but mostly, you owe it to yourself, to make the very best of your marriage.


(Thanks to Dr Zaahier Kamedien from Medicross Tokai for sharing the words of wisdom!)

Supporting your husband

Image from corpusoptima.com

So, last time we talked about what guys can do to make their wives feel supported and loved. Today we look at the other side of that coin. What do guys need from their ladies to feel like they are their hero's?

"Believe in your man. Nothing breaks a guy’s spirit faster than his woman believing he’s not up to par. As much as the ladies want a knight-in-shining-armour, the guys want to be TREATED like knights. Believe he can provide, keep you safe and perform the way he has to. Saying: “O here, give me that, let me do it…If you want something done right….” is not helpful at all. Treat him like he’s your hero and he might just start believing it!"

Give him a moment to breathe. Guys also need “me-time”. Granted, it will seldom include bubble bath and a manicure, but guys need time to unwind just as much as girls do. So don’t begrudge your man that hour on the couch. Just because there’s no perfumey stuff involved doesn't mean that it’s not “me-time”.

Don’t try to fix me. You are always asking me to love you “just the way you are”. And I do. But sometimes it would be nice to get the same love back. Just love me the way that I am. I don’t want or need “fixing”. I’m not your Dad or your ex, I’ll never be and I don’t want to be. I’m happy being me. Accept me for who I am.

Sometimes I freak out a bit over money. Please understand that this is because I’m worried that I won’t be able to take care of us the way that I want to. As a man, this is my job, to take the best care I can of you and our kids. And sometimes this means that you have to save money WITH me. Pressuring me about spending more than we have will just lead to more fight or worries for me.

Don’t stop caring for yourself. Guys don’t notice when you gain 3kg. But they do notice when you stop combing your hair or wearing make-up and sit around in sweats all day. You don’t have to do that 20’s thing of being dressed and made up before the man gets up, but please don’t just let yourself go once you get a guy. Your man is the person who loves to see you dressed up more than anyone else.

Don’t “have a headache” every night. Guys don’t ask for their sex-drive, they’re born with it. Please try and understand that your man can’t help but be attracted to you and that he wants to show it to you in a physical way.  Let him. And love him back. Your guy wants to feel wanted too. Tell him what he needs to do to make you happy. He wants to know.

TALK to your guy! Don't throw around hints and sigh or whatever. Just tell him what is wrong and what you want done to fix it. We don't get this subtle signs business. Be clear about things, it will save us both a load of effort.

Supporting your wife

Photo from anattitudeadjustment

We all try to be superwoman. There is enormous pressure on women to be the perfect wife, mother, housekeeper, chef, career woman and all round super model. But sometimes it gets to be too much and we need support from our partners. 

Here's anonymous's take on how a husband can support his wife.

What it means to support your wife:

1. Do not fight with her. She will stop talking to you if you keep fighting about everything. When you get home from work, go take 10 min to 'get work off'. Don't bring work fights and anger home.

2. Support her dreams- Encourage her to dream and do what you can to make her dreams come true. Work out a plan of action so that you can make her dreams come true.

3. Acknowledge that what she does has value. Being a housewife and taking care of your children is JUST AS IMPORTANT as your 8-5 job. There's an old email that works out the cost of hiring people to do the job of a mother or housewife. You cannot hire them all on your salary. So instead of fighting with her about how much money she spent keeping the house going, rather praise her for what she has done to keep your house in running order. Life is expensive. She's cutting as many corners as she can, trying to make you happy by saving money. How about trusting her that she's doing the best she can with what she has? There's nothing as soul destroying as having to worry about keeping your husband happy with how you spend money, hoping that you can keep everybody fed and he shows no gratitude for what you do.

4. Give her an allowance that's just for her. So that she can spend money on magazines or coffee with a friend without feeling guilty. Work out a similar amount for yourself that you can spend on the things that you want.

5. Listen when she talks. If she says she's not coping, she needs more than just “Aaw shame, I'm sorry” and a pat on the back. Get out of your own world and help her.  Help her with the kids, the washing, the cleaning, cooking or shopping. Take the load off of her so that she can rest, recover and get back to being all she can be.

6. Take her out for coffee or go on a date night without complaining about what it costs. You're paying to spend focussed, relaxed time together. Don't mess it up by complaining about the cost. Restaurants have online menus these days. Go do your research and find a place to suit your pocket.

You will have peace in your home:

-If your wife knows that she can trust you. If she knows she can come to you openly and you will not fight with her.

-If she knows she is safe with you.  That you will keep her safe, making sure the house is safe in whatever way that may mean: fixing broken things or letting her get it fixed without fighting about what it costs. Or making sure the doors are locked before bed time.

-If she knows that you think she is beautiful. She needs to hear you say it. Making comments about how hot an actress is, is not your manly right, it's disrespectful and hurtful to your wife.

-If she knows that you love her, no matter what. Say it 10 times a day, and mean it.

Praise her in front of other people. The woman in Proverbs 31 is running a huge enterprise and taking care of her family and the community and she can do that because her husband supports her and trusts her.

She's your wife and your helper, not your mom. She chose to marry you. Be a husband, father, and protector. 

Keep her heart safe.

Brick Walls

Brick walls.

They’re all around us. They keep a roof over our heads and the elements out of our bedrooms. And sometimes we have long, meaningful conversations with the brick wall sitting next to us on the couch.

“I feel like there’s a wall between us.”

We’ve all had moments like that and not only with partners but sometimes with family and friends. Why is that? Where do these obstructions come from?

Bruce Wilkinson did a series called “The Biblical Portrait of Marriage”, which had the best explanation for this that I’ve ever heard.

Image you’re facing your partner. Now imagine an obstacle (unresolved conflict, lies, secrets) is a brick in your hand. You can either toss it aside (resolve the issue) or put it down between you. One or two bricks don’t make much of a difference; you can still reach each other easily, so people don’t think too much about it and the issue remains unresolved. However, keep putting down bricks between you, for year after year and eventually a wall starts to form.

Now, these walls are seldom built on purpose. Usually it just starts with little things:

“Ugh, I can’t be bothered to explain the whole situation, I’ll just not tell her about it.”

“I’m not up for the drama. I’ll just stop talking about this so we can just have some peace.”

“He can’t handle the truth about how I really feel about this, I’ll just save his feelings and say it’s fine.”

And little by little distance starts to build, because you have to keep track of your bricks. Some people feel safer behind their walls. They think that avoiding issues avoids conflict and thus spares the relationship, however, this also causes isolation. And if you’re feeling alone in the middle of a relationship, then it’s not working anymore. Those walls need to come down.

Now, nobody like breaking down these walls (except maybe Miley Cyrus), since it involves talking about all the stuff that NOBODY wants to talk about. Secrets, lies and feelings are all awkward topics of conversation, but in the long run connecting honestly with your partner is what will keep you strong. You need to be building up yourselves and your relationship, not building walls to keep each other out.

So have a close look at the walls between you and your partner, maybe it’s still just a line or two, maybe it’s a re-enforced castle wall built over many years. Either way, there’s hope. If you want to get closer with your partner, start picking away at those bricks. Little by little, bit by bit, brick by brick, take down your walls and connect with the one you love.

Fighting like a pro

During the first stage of a relationship, most people will have very few fights. Disagreements get squashed as soon as possible because we’re all on our best behavior and don’t want to do anything “to mess it up”. We will make excuses for the other person’s actions, apologize quickly for our own, adjust our plans, all in order to avoid upsetting the apple cart.

But as we get more secure in our relationships we start standing our ground a bit more.

“HE can change HIS plans, I made my arrangements first. He doesn't own me.”

“SHE needs to get over it; this is just the way I am. Take it or leave it.”

And so, the longer we are together, the more the fights seem to escalate. And one day, it becomes a power struggle. A socially expected (yeah, that’s right, not accepted but EXPECTED) power struggle. Just think about the amount of movies and sitcoms you saw in the last week about the struggle to win an argument in a marriage. If confronted with an argument from your spouse, the goal is to outwit, outsmart, outplay the other person, Survivor style, right? The winner is the person who sways the argument in their favor and gets their way, not matter the tactics used.

Now, anybody that’s been in a serious relationship for more than 5 minutes will know how these fights go. It starts with a mild disagreement and before you know it old cows are being dragged up out of long-forgotten ditches. Voices get raised, insults and accusations get flung about and finally someone storms off or sulks in silence. Both of you are now upset, hurt and furious. And the problem will 90% of the time not be solved but actually worsened by the whole argument.

So where do you go from there? Simply bully the person to submit to your will? Go ahead and do whatever you like with or without your partner’s consent? Manipulate them with sex or money or guilt?

That’s not helpful, positive or loving in any way. Nobody wants to be that person and yet we all do it.

Do you mind a bit of a Dr Phil-ism? A lot of the times we’re fighting about topics to avoid talking about the issues. It’s a lot easier to screech at your husband for getting home late from the office than to admit that you’re insecure about your body and worried about the new receptionist at his office. And yelling at your wife about spending too much money makes you less vulnerable than admitting that you’re scared about your financial future and that makes you feel like an inferior man.

So here’s my suggestion: (and please note, these are suggestions that I’m trying to follow myself. Sometimes I even succeed! But we all struggle with these)

Firstly, remain calm. Don’t let you emotions run away with your head and don’t say things in anger. If you can’t do that, then take a break. If you’re in a fight and you feel yourself giving in to angry emotions, then rather press pause. My partner and I have agreed to pause any argument at any stage before we say hurtful things. Leave the room, gather your thoughts, go back in and resume the argument, minus the heat. DO NOT USE THIS AS AN EXCUSE TO AVOID THE FIGHT!!! This is just a break to gather yourself. Leaving things unresolved will only make things worse. Take 5 minutes to breathe and then go back. Don't leave the house or run away, stay till it's sorted.

Secondly, never get personal. The issue you are disagreeing about is external, whatever you may feel like in the moment. Avoid any sentences that start with YOU ARE SO… or THIS IS SO TYPICAL… or even worse YOU’RE JUST LIKE… Most arguments are about behavior or people’s reaction to situations or simple misunderstanding. People's mistakes and behavior DO NOT define who they are as people. You don't want to be judged that way, so don't judge your partner for their actions.

Third, THINK! Think about WHAT exactly you want to say. What is the ACTUAL issue and how will you communicate this in a way that your partner will understand? What are you feeling and WHY? Try to explain in a calm and clear manner. And keep your ears open to hear what your partner is trying to communicate to you.

Lastly, finish the fight and then let it go. If you're still holding on to something then you're not done talking about it. Don't discuss it to death, you don't need to nitpick about every little detail, but be sure to come to a point where you can comfortably let this go. Fights should be forgotten. Retain the lessons that you learned from the situation but don't hold on to the memory of the argument. It's hard, because our fierce emotions want to implant the moment into our brains but it's really not worth it. Let it go, make peace and move on.

The goal is to find a compromise that leaves both parties happy and then to re-unite as a stronger team. Remember, the struggle is not against your partner. You're on the same team, so work it out to build a stronger relationship.

I'm Fine

Photo from beautifulprofilepictures.blogspot

I was watching a sitcom the other day that got me thinking. (Not what they’re usually known for, right?)

A character was going through a personal crisis and called her Dad, then her fiancé and finally her friend. She didn't explain what the problem was, just asked if they could come give her a hand with something. All three were busy and asked if it was important. Her reply to all three was: “Naw, it’s stupid.” Which turns out to be her code for; “It’s important to me.” Her friend figured it out but her fiancé didn't and this caused her to doubt the man she’s supposed to marry.

For people living in the age of communication, we sure suck at communicating. 

Just look at this woman’s dilemma for a minute. She doubts her choice of partner because he couldn't figure out the one time when “No” actually meant “Yes”. 

That sounds ridiculous to me. And the crazy part is that we all do that sometimes! 

“Yes, I’m fine.”

“No, I’m not mad at you”

“It’s OK, I don’t mind”

We all say these things sometimes when we want to shout:

“NO, I’M NOT FINE! I’M HURT, SAD, ANGRY AND UPSET. BUT I WANT YOU TO FIGURE IT OUT ON YOUR OWN!”

Why do we do that? Especially since we all get irritated when we get those answers from others? Will we feel more cared-for if someone else takes the time to work out what’s wrong? Is it because we will feel less selfish if someone else points out the problem? Could it be that we sometimes don’t really understand WHY the situation or behaviour is bothering us and we want someone else to work it out? (Because let’s face it, self-evaluation is rarely pleasant.) Or are we really so conceited that we think that it’s up to the people around us to figure out what makes us tick?

Whatever the reason, there’s a simple reality we need to face. We live in a world of fallible, forgetful, self-absorbed, easily distracted, humans. And love alone can't fix that. Nobody is perfect.  Nobody is psychic. Nobody can look into your heart and know what you want without a word being said. No matter what chic-flicks tell us, nobody will just instinctively know what you want or need, just because they love you.

You need to tell them. You. Yourself. With words. Not clues or hints or skimps or riddles or double meanings.

You need to sit your partner down, look them in the eye and tell them: “When I do this or say that, I need you to say this to me or act in such-or-such a manner.”

If they ask what’s wrong, you need to tell them. If you can’t tell them right away then say so. It’s perfectly acceptable to say: “I’m not OK, but I can’t talk about it right now. Give me some time to just sort myself out, and then we’ll talk” And then DO go back to them and talk it out.

And if you ever get that response from your partner, RESPECT IT. Pushing them to talk just to satisfy your curiosity will lead to a fight or a closed heart, neither of which will be beneficial to you. Be patient, let them work themselves out. The old Biblical phrase: “Love your neighbour as yourself” applies here. Treat your partner the same way you would like to be treated; which means LISTENING when they tell you what bothers them and REMEMBERING what they need you to do/say in certain situations.

Now, just take a moment and think about the amount of doubts, fears, tantrums and tears that could be spared by just applying this to your relationships..........

Seems worth the effort to me.

Reacting in pain

Photo by Murray Mitchell

Anonymous wrote:

"After my husband and I had been dating for a while, I noticed a growing jealousy in him. At first he was jealous of every moment I spent with platonic guy friends. Then he started getting annoyed about my girlfriends. Then he got iffy about my family. I was starting to feel trapped and he was getting more and more jealous of all the people in my life. We fought about it constantly. I had to defend every moment I was spending with anyone besides him.

I told him it feels like he doesn't trust me.

He said it’s not me he doesn't trust, it’s the other people. I’m too trusting, they could lead me astray.

I told his to stop being ridiculous.

He wanted to know what was wrong with wanting to protect his girl.

I told him he doesn't own me……

Sound familiar?

I was at a loss. I had given him no reason not to trust me. None of my friends were up to any funny business. Where was this coming from?

Then I realized it was coming from his past. Like myself and so many other people, he’d been betrayed and hurt more than once by both friends and lovers. This was not about me at all. This was about him and the way he saw things. He saw these relationships from a place of pain and he simply wanted to protect me and himself. Because he had gotten hurt in these relationships he expected that he would get hurt again.

So I started making sure that he always knew exactly where I was at all times and who I was with. I invited him along and was completely transparent, I think I might have gotten a little annoying! But eventually he realized that this relationship was different and that I would keep his heart safe and then he relaxed. He is completely fine with everyone now. We haven't fought about this in years."

When it comes to our emotional hearts, people are at their most primal. And a hurt heart is protected by a snarling animal of suspicion and self-defense. We can’t think logically. And the old adage:”time heals all wounds” is complete nonsense. Physically, the part of our brain that handles emotions has no concept of time! Look it up. Your memories are powerful because your brain experiences them like they are happening right now. This is wonderful for those great memories you never want to forget. But it’s terrible for those painful experiences we would rather not remember. Just because you were hurt 3 years ago doesn't mean that the wound feels 3 years old. All time does is makes us used to the feeling of pain until doesn't bother us so much.

And so, the moment you spot anything that remotely reminds you of your painful experience, your primal animal snarls and reacts in what it deems to be the best way to protect your heart from more pain. And this reaction is seldom logical, civilized, voluntary or thoughtful.

So the next time your partner reacts in a way that you don’t understand, consider that they might be reacting from a place of pain. Maybe their behavior has nothing to do with you but they are simply reacting in the interest of self-preservation. So maybe, cut them some slack. They're not trying to be difficult. They are hurt and a little scared of getting hurt even more. Is there something that you could do (or stop doing) that can comfort them and make them feel safer in those situations?

And look out for that same reaction in yourself. If you realize that you’re reacting in this way, maybe you need to work through some of your own past pains. Don't punish someone else for your pain. Work through it (with professional help if needed), learn from it, grow from it and let it go. Don't let your own past pains color your views and perspective.

Changing your behavior

Please do not tell me you will never change for someone else. Have you ever thought how unbelievably arrogant that statement is? Especially considering that you expect your partner to change for you.

“I would never!” you exclaim indignantly. “I love my partner JUST the way they are and they love me the same. And if they expect me to change well then that’s just too bad. They need to love me for who I am, take it or leave it. I will not change for someone else!”

Well now, take a moment to think about that.

Take an honest look at your own expectations about your partner.

Have you ever thought:

“Well of course he’s going to stop going out on Fridays to drink with his buddies. When we get married he’ll stay home and watch Game of Thrones with me every Friday night. That’s what committed couples do!”

“Naturally she’s going to start cooking once we get married/move in together! That’s just the way these things work. “

“Obviously he’s going to spend less time on the computer once we become more permanent, this is just a single-guy-thing”

“Yes she spends all her money on shoes right now, but once we have a home together she’ll become thriftier because we’re in this together”

No? You never had a single thought of that nature? Is this not an expectation of change?

I am of the opinion that both parties need to change constantly for a relationship to last.

And before you start getting hysterical about “losing who you are, to please someone else” and “abuse of power” and “being untrue to who you are as a person”, I am NOT talking about changing your personality, what you believe in or your values. Anybody expecting you to change these elements about yourself should be kicked to the curb, I completely agree. Your personality, beliefs and values makes you who you are, this is true. But I’m not talking about that. I’m talking about adjusting your behavior. The steady diet of “Love yourself for who you are” that the media had been pouring down our throats in an effort to fight depression, has us believing that all our behavior is excusable under “This is just who I am”

Nagging is not a part of who you are, it’s your behavior.

Staying out all hours drinking is not a part of who you are, it’s your behavior.

Bringing up past mistakes in current fights is not a part of who you are, it’s your behavior.

Leaving your laundry on the floor is not a part of who you are, it’s your behavior.

You expect your partner to accept this behavior from you while at the same time demanding that they change similar behavior in themselves? Is this not arrogance? Isn't it enormously arrogant to assume that you are above reproach and that your behavior should be “endearing” while your partners’ behavior is “annoying”? You will never change for someone else? Maybe that statement is worth re-thinking.

But let’s face it, change is effort. Nobody likes changing because part of change is admitting that something is just not working. Changing takes maturity. Change takes a mind shift. But, more often than not, the changes that you need to make are minor behavior adjustments that make a huge difference.
For example, just remembering to put the cap back on the toothpaste (a 2 second move) could save you from another meaningless argument (45 minutes of agony). Seems worth it to me!

But like the saying goes: Be the change you want to see. It's no use changing one small behavior in yourself and then fighting with your spouse to force them to change one of their. Because then you're nagging again, which is a behavior nobody want in their relationships. If you truly want a marriage with less meaningless arguments and unnecessary tension, you're going to have to be willing to begin changing yourself, regardless of what your partner does.

So, what can YOU change about YOURSELF to save you a couple of arguments and lead to a more peaceful marriage?

Happily Ever After

…..and they lived happily ever after…..

That’s how the story goes, isn't it? Any child can tell you how love works. Boy meets girl, they fall in love, then the boy needs to save the girl from some evil or obstacle after which they get married and live happily ever after. The end.

But then, the wedding is actually not the end. It’s only the beginning.

The beginning of the most amazing, grueling, life-changing, heart-breaking, inspiring, exhausting, uplifting journey of your life.  This is your story.

Both the fairy tale and your story probably start the same. Boy meets girl, you fall in love, there’s some obstacles but eventually you make it to the altar in your white dress and diamond finger candy. And that’s part of the problem. We expect the “happily ever after” to follow in our lives as it does in every story we've been told since we were babies.

“Oh but come now,” you scoff,” I’m an ADULT. I KNOW there’ll be problems. And I’m perfectly prepared for the toilet seat fight. And I know I’ll get less flowers and we’ll probably only go on one or two dates a week. But I’m OK with that. Our love can conquer anything!”

And then, after a while, things change. “The honeymoon is over” and you learn exactly what it means. Somewhere along the lines your bubble burst, the pink candyfloss clouds dissipate and you’re left with a sinking feeling that maybe your love wasn't really as true as you thought. Maybe you married the wrong person. Maybe you just don’t love each other enough. Maybe he wasn't the person you thought he was. Maybe you've just made a huge mistake. You feel like the loneliest person on earth. The fairy tale didn't happen. Because deep down you know that you hoped the fairy tale would happen for you. 

Happily ever after…..

And now, here comes the SHOCKER…..

…..

…..

EVERY MARRIAGE GOES THROUGH THIS. 

You are not special or unique. Sorry. You are pretty standard.

And what’s more, every marriage will go through this MANY TIMES.

So how has the institution of marriage survived for so many years? Simple: men and women over the ages have WORKED at it. That part isn't in any story. But that’s the way LOVE survives for 60 years or more. It takes WORK.

And this is my reason for this blog. I didn't fully understand what it takes to stay married. Nobody does before they’re neck deep in it. Nobody talks about the highs and lows, hardships and huge rewards that come with working on and fighting for your love.

So here I create a space where you can share your stories and lessons, vent, share life lessons, ask questions. Share your experiences and spare someone else some heartache or learn from someone else's experiences and spare yourself.

Welcome to “Everything”