Making Memories

Photo prom onfrenchieintheus.filed.wordpress

So, you've been thought the excitement of falling in love, the excitement of dating, the excitement of engagement and the excitement of getting married. It was heady, memorable and fun. But you might find that things slow down really quickly once you’you've “settled down” and you’re faced with the grind of everyday survival. 

So how do you keep the spark alive?

Personally I think you need to keep making memories and here’s what I’d suggest:

Take pictures of moments to remember. It’s easy to forget the good times when things are going rough. So if you’re having a great day, doing something fun or just feeling particularly close, take a picture. With technology being what it is, it’s easy to capture many precious little moments to remember when things get tough. And then browse through them whenever you need to. Create a folder with all your best moments together…you know, like a photo album in the 90’s. 

Do something special, just for your partner. Sometimes we’ll do something nice for our partner but secretly we’ll be hoping to benefit from it ourselves. If you’re honest with yourself you’ll know what I’m talking about. So consider, every once in a while, doing something that will benefit ONLY your partner, something to spoil them, unexpectedly and without expecting anything in return. Doing that means you’ll have to think analytically about your partner and you might just learn a thing or two in the process and look at your partner with new eyes.

Make time to talk. In this age of communication, we can go days on end, talking non-stop, without really saying anything, right? And that slowly but surely can make us drift apart while we fill the void with conversations about dinner, the kids, the house and work. Try to make time to really TALK to one another about your hopes and dreams for the future, current events, a book you read, all those lovely little things you talked about when you were first committed to learning as much as you could about your partner.

Reminisce.  Re-live some of your favorite memories together. Play your songs, replicate a meal from your dating days (like that Friday night slapchips from the corner kêffie from your student days) and share your favorite memories of your time together.

Write letters and notes. It seems like such a corny high school thing to do, and yet we all secretly treasure those little signs of love. Pop a note in a lunchbox or pocket and then have a box/bag/drawer where you can keep these notes for a rainy day. It always perks me up to be reminded of how much we love each other.

Spice things up in the bedroom. It can be tricky to keep thing exciting after years of being together but a little bit of change can make a world of difference. Just remember that the goal is strengthening your love and re-connecting; suddenly going all out 50-shades might not be the best option for everyone, but to each his own. Every relationship is different; just make sure you’re doing something that works for you both.

Get off the couch and out of the house. Doing this together builds bonds and makes more memories. Go for a drive, a hike, a walk, to dinner, for coffee, to a show, to a museum, on a road trip, to a gallery, to the movies, to the gym, to a wine tasting. Join a club together or volunteer somewhere as a couple.

Memories don't make themselves and keeping the spark alive is your responsibility. So participate in your own life and enjoy the results.

Supporting your husband

Image from corpusoptima.com

So, last time we talked about what guys can do to make their wives feel supported and loved. Today we look at the other side of that coin. What do guys need from their ladies to feel like they are their hero's?

"Believe in your man. Nothing breaks a guy’s spirit faster than his woman believing he’s not up to par. As much as the ladies want a knight-in-shining-armour, the guys want to be TREATED like knights. Believe he can provide, keep you safe and perform the way he has to. Saying: “O here, give me that, let me do it…If you want something done right….” is not helpful at all. Treat him like he’s your hero and he might just start believing it!"

Give him a moment to breathe. Guys also need “me-time”. Granted, it will seldom include bubble bath and a manicure, but guys need time to unwind just as much as girls do. So don’t begrudge your man that hour on the couch. Just because there’s no perfumey stuff involved doesn't mean that it’s not “me-time”.

Don’t try to fix me. You are always asking me to love you “just the way you are”. And I do. But sometimes it would be nice to get the same love back. Just love me the way that I am. I don’t want or need “fixing”. I’m not your Dad or your ex, I’ll never be and I don’t want to be. I’m happy being me. Accept me for who I am.

Sometimes I freak out a bit over money. Please understand that this is because I’m worried that I won’t be able to take care of us the way that I want to. As a man, this is my job, to take the best care I can of you and our kids. And sometimes this means that you have to save money WITH me. Pressuring me about spending more than we have will just lead to more fight or worries for me.

Don’t stop caring for yourself. Guys don’t notice when you gain 3kg. But they do notice when you stop combing your hair or wearing make-up and sit around in sweats all day. You don’t have to do that 20’s thing of being dressed and made up before the man gets up, but please don’t just let yourself go once you get a guy. Your man is the person who loves to see you dressed up more than anyone else.

Don’t “have a headache” every night. Guys don’t ask for their sex-drive, they’re born with it. Please try and understand that your man can’t help but be attracted to you and that he wants to show it to you in a physical way.  Let him. And love him back. Your guy wants to feel wanted too. Tell him what he needs to do to make you happy. He wants to know.

TALK to your guy! Don't throw around hints and sigh or whatever. Just tell him what is wrong and what you want done to fix it. We don't get this subtle signs business. Be clear about things, it will save us both a load of effort.

We need to talk...

by Annette Matthee

“Here we go again” you think. 

Then you shut down and somewhere far, far away you hear someone making a noise that might resemble actual language…

I can think of so many times that those words, “we need to talk”, have been uttered in the hope that we can sit, talk & resolve whatever it is that needs to  be resolved - so that we can walk away a little lighter and happier.

Yet you sit and start talking – and you hope fervently that your partner is indeed listening, because he/she has this kind-of ‘blank’ look. You’re thinking: “do they even realize this is an issue?!” 

And when you’re done, you sit silently waiting for a response… 

“Hello? Did you hear what I was just talking about?” 

And you get some kind of a reply: “Am I supposed to say something? I thought you were doing the talking…”

And eventually you give up, because this is not working and you decide to just carry on the way things are…

Then you fall into the next trap: you say to yourself “Ag, I can deal with this. I just have to get over it.” Yes, sometimes that is the case, but then, what would be the harm in sharing the fact that you’re just going to get over it? The point is that you are in partnership. This means you’re in whatever situation together and most probably you need to ‘get over it’ together.

You see, there’s a secret to communication: it goes two ways. And right about now you might be thinking “but I know that!” Yet we all have experience in (sometimes severe) miscommunication. And you realise that maybe there is something we keep on getting wrong.

So here’s the catch: In order for us to actually communicate, there are 4 things that need to happen.

1)      You need to talk

2)      Your partner needs to listen

And then…

3)      You need to listen

4)      Your partner needs to talk

If any one of these things does not happen, you are bound to have miscommunication.

So, if it’s needed, take the time to explain and agree to the 4 requirements (in a “we need to talk”-session) so the next time you can both feel more responsive, knowing what is expected.

Just please, please, do not give up. Your happiness does indeed depend on you – you not giving up, you getting the things that worry and bug you off your chest, out in the open and sorted.