We need to talk...

by Annette Matthee

“Here we go again” you think. 

Then you shut down and somewhere far, far away you hear someone making a noise that might resemble actual language…

I can think of so many times that those words, “we need to talk”, have been uttered in the hope that we can sit, talk & resolve whatever it is that needs to  be resolved - so that we can walk away a little lighter and happier.

Yet you sit and start talking – and you hope fervently that your partner is indeed listening, because he/she has this kind-of ‘blank’ look. You’re thinking: “do they even realize this is an issue?!” 

And when you’re done, you sit silently waiting for a response… 

“Hello? Did you hear what I was just talking about?” 

And you get some kind of a reply: “Am I supposed to say something? I thought you were doing the talking…”

And eventually you give up, because this is not working and you decide to just carry on the way things are…

Then you fall into the next trap: you say to yourself “Ag, I can deal with this. I just have to get over it.” Yes, sometimes that is the case, but then, what would be the harm in sharing the fact that you’re just going to get over it? The point is that you are in partnership. This means you’re in whatever situation together and most probably you need to ‘get over it’ together.

You see, there’s a secret to communication: it goes two ways. And right about now you might be thinking “but I know that!” Yet we all have experience in (sometimes severe) miscommunication. And you realise that maybe there is something we keep on getting wrong.

So here’s the catch: In order for us to actually communicate, there are 4 things that need to happen.

1)      You need to talk

2)      Your partner needs to listen

And then…

3)      You need to listen

4)      Your partner needs to talk

If any one of these things does not happen, you are bound to have miscommunication.

So, if it’s needed, take the time to explain and agree to the 4 requirements (in a “we need to talk”-session) so the next time you can both feel more responsive, knowing what is expected.

Just please, please, do not give up. Your happiness does indeed depend on you – you not giving up, you getting the things that worry and bug you off your chest, out in the open and sorted.