Falling in love...

Falling in love is the easiest thing in the world.

People fall in love every day with the most mundane of things. Just last week I fell in love with a song I heard on the radio. Butterflies, breath caught in my throat, heart racing, the whole 9 yards. I sometimes get the same over a recipe (but who wouldn’t love a moist, double dark chocolate cake smothered in a cloud of whipped cream?)

What have you fallen in love with recently? Those gorgeous heels?  A fantastic TV series? A legendary sports team?  

Falling in love is deliciously fun, ridiculously easy and completely selfish. It’s about how YOU feel and what YOU get out of it. Falling in love is about YOU.

And falling in love with people is the most fun of all, because your hormones can get involved! So it’s a natural high like no other. Testosterone, oestrogen, dopamine, adrenaline, serotonin, endorphins galore! It’s a party in your brain and your body! When you fall in love initially your body is raging with hormones and chemicals, you’re buzzed and it feels amazing.  But you can’t replicate those chemicals with willpower any more than you can make it rain…

“Marriage requires falling in love every day, with the same person”

How many times have you heard that? Or thought about it while looking at your partner slumped on the couch in their PJ’s after you’ve both had a day from hell or while they’re doing that annoying thing that you just can’t STAND? How are you supposed to "fall in love everyday" when the everyday get's in the way?

“Falling in love again” sounds easy (because it’s got the word “fall” in it) but we all know it’s a tall order. It's work and quite frankly it’s easier to just give up and fall in love with someone new.  

So here’s one of those things no-one ever told me: “Falling in love” is only the first tiny step on a journey that can last your whole life. Love changes. Your relationship changes, your spouse changes and YOU change. And if you try hanging on to the first little step forever, you will never experience true love. You will just constantly be craving the old buzz and replicating it with a new partner. 

I am not the same girl who got married almost 9 years ago and I’m married to a completely different man. We don’t think the same way we did back then, we don’t feel the same and our love is not the same and I’m thankful for that. Because the ditzy, whirlwind, passionate, blind love that we had to start with, would not have survived this battlefield that is life and we would have ended up alone. Love needs to change, to grow up and mature. 

You don’t immediately see things change, but they do. As you grow older and wiser, experience things together, fight tempestuously and share moments of unspeakable joy, there’s less head in the clouds and more firm-beneath-my-feet. Love gets stronger, more stable and able to weather the storms of illness, adversary, financial strain and kids. It becomes your anchor in times of trouble and your safe heaven. (Whoa, too many ship metaphors!)

So don’t try to “fall in love again”. Rather try to see your love for what it is and grow it to become more than a mere hormone-cocktail driven infatuation. Build a love that will stand the test of time, not fizzle when the party is over.

I think it’s more about finding NEW ways to love your partner as often as possible, to create a new buzz and a different high. 

One that will last till death do you part.

Brick Walls

Brick walls.

They’re all around us. They keep a roof over our heads and the elements out of our bedrooms. And sometimes we have long, meaningful conversations with the brick wall sitting next to us on the couch.

“I feel like there’s a wall between us.”

We’ve all had moments like that and not only with partners but sometimes with family and friends. Why is that? Where do these obstructions come from?

Bruce Wilkinson did a series called “The Biblical Portrait of Marriage”, which had the best explanation for this that I’ve ever heard.

Image you’re facing your partner. Now imagine an obstacle (unresolved conflict, lies, secrets) is a brick in your hand. You can either toss it aside (resolve the issue) or put it down between you. One or two bricks don’t make much of a difference; you can still reach each other easily, so people don’t think too much about it and the issue remains unresolved. However, keep putting down bricks between you, for year after year and eventually a wall starts to form.

Now, these walls are seldom built on purpose. Usually it just starts with little things:

“Ugh, I can’t be bothered to explain the whole situation, I’ll just not tell her about it.”

“I’m not up for the drama. I’ll just stop talking about this so we can just have some peace.”

“He can’t handle the truth about how I really feel about this, I’ll just save his feelings and say it’s fine.”

And little by little distance starts to build, because you have to keep track of your bricks. Some people feel safer behind their walls. They think that avoiding issues avoids conflict and thus spares the relationship, however, this also causes isolation. And if you’re feeling alone in the middle of a relationship, then it’s not working anymore. Those walls need to come down.

Now, nobody like breaking down these walls (except maybe Miley Cyrus), since it involves talking about all the stuff that NOBODY wants to talk about. Secrets, lies and feelings are all awkward topics of conversation, but in the long run connecting honestly with your partner is what will keep you strong. You need to be building up yourselves and your relationship, not building walls to keep each other out.

So have a close look at the walls between you and your partner, maybe it’s still just a line or two, maybe it’s a re-enforced castle wall built over many years. Either way, there’s hope. If you want to get closer with your partner, start picking away at those bricks. Little by little, bit by bit, brick by brick, take down your walls and connect with the one you love.

We need to talk...

by Annette Matthee

“Here we go again” you think. 

Then you shut down and somewhere far, far away you hear someone making a noise that might resemble actual language…

I can think of so many times that those words, “we need to talk”, have been uttered in the hope that we can sit, talk & resolve whatever it is that needs to  be resolved - so that we can walk away a little lighter and happier.

Yet you sit and start talking – and you hope fervently that your partner is indeed listening, because he/she has this kind-of ‘blank’ look. You’re thinking: “do they even realize this is an issue?!” 

And when you’re done, you sit silently waiting for a response… 

“Hello? Did you hear what I was just talking about?” 

And you get some kind of a reply: “Am I supposed to say something? I thought you were doing the talking…”

And eventually you give up, because this is not working and you decide to just carry on the way things are…

Then you fall into the next trap: you say to yourself “Ag, I can deal with this. I just have to get over it.” Yes, sometimes that is the case, but then, what would be the harm in sharing the fact that you’re just going to get over it? The point is that you are in partnership. This means you’re in whatever situation together and most probably you need to ‘get over it’ together.

You see, there’s a secret to communication: it goes two ways. And right about now you might be thinking “but I know that!” Yet we all have experience in (sometimes severe) miscommunication. And you realise that maybe there is something we keep on getting wrong.

So here’s the catch: In order for us to actually communicate, there are 4 things that need to happen.

1)      You need to talk

2)      Your partner needs to listen

And then…

3)      You need to listen

4)      Your partner needs to talk

If any one of these things does not happen, you are bound to have miscommunication.

So, if it’s needed, take the time to explain and agree to the 4 requirements (in a “we need to talk”-session) so the next time you can both feel more responsive, knowing what is expected.

Just please, please, do not give up. Your happiness does indeed depend on you – you not giving up, you getting the things that worry and bug you off your chest, out in the open and sorted.

Fighting like a pro

During the first stage of a relationship, most people will have very few fights. Disagreements get squashed as soon as possible because we’re all on our best behavior and don’t want to do anything “to mess it up”. We will make excuses for the other person’s actions, apologize quickly for our own, adjust our plans, all in order to avoid upsetting the apple cart.

But as we get more secure in our relationships we start standing our ground a bit more.

“HE can change HIS plans, I made my arrangements first. He doesn't own me.”

“SHE needs to get over it; this is just the way I am. Take it or leave it.”

And so, the longer we are together, the more the fights seem to escalate. And one day, it becomes a power struggle. A socially expected (yeah, that’s right, not accepted but EXPECTED) power struggle. Just think about the amount of movies and sitcoms you saw in the last week about the struggle to win an argument in a marriage. If confronted with an argument from your spouse, the goal is to outwit, outsmart, outplay the other person, Survivor style, right? The winner is the person who sways the argument in their favor and gets their way, not matter the tactics used.

Now, anybody that’s been in a serious relationship for more than 5 minutes will know how these fights go. It starts with a mild disagreement and before you know it old cows are being dragged up out of long-forgotten ditches. Voices get raised, insults and accusations get flung about and finally someone storms off or sulks in silence. Both of you are now upset, hurt and furious. And the problem will 90% of the time not be solved but actually worsened by the whole argument.

So where do you go from there? Simply bully the person to submit to your will? Go ahead and do whatever you like with or without your partner’s consent? Manipulate them with sex or money or guilt?

That’s not helpful, positive or loving in any way. Nobody wants to be that person and yet we all do it.

Do you mind a bit of a Dr Phil-ism? A lot of the times we’re fighting about topics to avoid talking about the issues. It’s a lot easier to screech at your husband for getting home late from the office than to admit that you’re insecure about your body and worried about the new receptionist at his office. And yelling at your wife about spending too much money makes you less vulnerable than admitting that you’re scared about your financial future and that makes you feel like an inferior man.

So here’s my suggestion: (and please note, these are suggestions that I’m trying to follow myself. Sometimes I even succeed! But we all struggle with these)

Firstly, remain calm. Don’t let you emotions run away with your head and don’t say things in anger. If you can’t do that, then take a break. If you’re in a fight and you feel yourself giving in to angry emotions, then rather press pause. My partner and I have agreed to pause any argument at any stage before we say hurtful things. Leave the room, gather your thoughts, go back in and resume the argument, minus the heat. DO NOT USE THIS AS AN EXCUSE TO AVOID THE FIGHT!!! This is just a break to gather yourself. Leaving things unresolved will only make things worse. Take 5 minutes to breathe and then go back. Don't leave the house or run away, stay till it's sorted.

Secondly, never get personal. The issue you are disagreeing about is external, whatever you may feel like in the moment. Avoid any sentences that start with YOU ARE SO… or THIS IS SO TYPICAL… or even worse YOU’RE JUST LIKE… Most arguments are about behavior or people’s reaction to situations or simple misunderstanding. People's mistakes and behavior DO NOT define who they are as people. You don't want to be judged that way, so don't judge your partner for their actions.

Third, THINK! Think about WHAT exactly you want to say. What is the ACTUAL issue and how will you communicate this in a way that your partner will understand? What are you feeling and WHY? Try to explain in a calm and clear manner. And keep your ears open to hear what your partner is trying to communicate to you.

Lastly, finish the fight and then let it go. If you're still holding on to something then you're not done talking about it. Don't discuss it to death, you don't need to nitpick about every little detail, but be sure to come to a point where you can comfortably let this go. Fights should be forgotten. Retain the lessons that you learned from the situation but don't hold on to the memory of the argument. It's hard, because our fierce emotions want to implant the moment into our brains but it's really not worth it. Let it go, make peace and move on.

The goal is to find a compromise that leaves both parties happy and then to re-unite as a stronger team. Remember, the struggle is not against your partner. You're on the same team, so work it out to build a stronger relationship.