Supporting your wife

Photo from anattitudeadjustment

We all try to be superwoman. There is enormous pressure on women to be the perfect wife, mother, housekeeper, chef, career woman and all round super model. But sometimes it gets to be too much and we need support from our partners. 

Here's anonymous's take on how a husband can support his wife.

What it means to support your wife:

1. Do not fight with her. She will stop talking to you if you keep fighting about everything. When you get home from work, go take 10 min to 'get work off'. Don't bring work fights and anger home.

2. Support her dreams- Encourage her to dream and do what you can to make her dreams come true. Work out a plan of action so that you can make her dreams come true.

3. Acknowledge that what she does has value. Being a housewife and taking care of your children is JUST AS IMPORTANT as your 8-5 job. There's an old email that works out the cost of hiring people to do the job of a mother or housewife. You cannot hire them all on your salary. So instead of fighting with her about how much money she spent keeping the house going, rather praise her for what she has done to keep your house in running order. Life is expensive. She's cutting as many corners as she can, trying to make you happy by saving money. How about trusting her that she's doing the best she can with what she has? There's nothing as soul destroying as having to worry about keeping your husband happy with how you spend money, hoping that you can keep everybody fed and he shows no gratitude for what you do.

4. Give her an allowance that's just for her. So that she can spend money on magazines or coffee with a friend without feeling guilty. Work out a similar amount for yourself that you can spend on the things that you want.

5. Listen when she talks. If she says she's not coping, she needs more than just “Aaw shame, I'm sorry” and a pat on the back. Get out of your own world and help her.  Help her with the kids, the washing, the cleaning, cooking or shopping. Take the load off of her so that she can rest, recover and get back to being all she can be.

6. Take her out for coffee or go on a date night without complaining about what it costs. You're paying to spend focussed, relaxed time together. Don't mess it up by complaining about the cost. Restaurants have online menus these days. Go do your research and find a place to suit your pocket.

You will have peace in your home:

-If your wife knows that she can trust you. If she knows she can come to you openly and you will not fight with her.

-If she knows she is safe with you.  That you will keep her safe, making sure the house is safe in whatever way that may mean: fixing broken things or letting her get it fixed without fighting about what it costs. Or making sure the doors are locked before bed time.

-If she knows that you think she is beautiful. She needs to hear you say it. Making comments about how hot an actress is, is not your manly right, it's disrespectful and hurtful to your wife.

-If she knows that you love her, no matter what. Say it 10 times a day, and mean it.

Praise her in front of other people. The woman in Proverbs 31 is running a huge enterprise and taking care of her family and the community and she can do that because her husband supports her and trusts her.

She's your wife and your helper, not your mom. She chose to marry you. Be a husband, father, and protector. 

Keep her heart safe.

Falling in love...

Falling in love is the easiest thing in the world.

People fall in love every day with the most mundane of things. Just last week I fell in love with a song I heard on the radio. Butterflies, breath caught in my throat, heart racing, the whole 9 yards. I sometimes get the same over a recipe (but who wouldn’t love a moist, double dark chocolate cake smothered in a cloud of whipped cream?)

What have you fallen in love with recently? Those gorgeous heels?  A fantastic TV series? A legendary sports team?  

Falling in love is deliciously fun, ridiculously easy and completely selfish. It’s about how YOU feel and what YOU get out of it. Falling in love is about YOU.

And falling in love with people is the most fun of all, because your hormones can get involved! So it’s a natural high like no other. Testosterone, oestrogen, dopamine, adrenaline, serotonin, endorphins galore! It’s a party in your brain and your body! When you fall in love initially your body is raging with hormones and chemicals, you’re buzzed and it feels amazing.  But you can’t replicate those chemicals with willpower any more than you can make it rain…

“Marriage requires falling in love every day, with the same person”

How many times have you heard that? Or thought about it while looking at your partner slumped on the couch in their PJ’s after you’ve both had a day from hell or while they’re doing that annoying thing that you just can’t STAND? How are you supposed to "fall in love everyday" when the everyday get's in the way?

“Falling in love again” sounds easy (because it’s got the word “fall” in it) but we all know it’s a tall order. It's work and quite frankly it’s easier to just give up and fall in love with someone new.  

So here’s one of those things no-one ever told me: “Falling in love” is only the first tiny step on a journey that can last your whole life. Love changes. Your relationship changes, your spouse changes and YOU change. And if you try hanging on to the first little step forever, you will never experience true love. You will just constantly be craving the old buzz and replicating it with a new partner. 

I am not the same girl who got married almost 9 years ago and I’m married to a completely different man. We don’t think the same way we did back then, we don’t feel the same and our love is not the same and I’m thankful for that. Because the ditzy, whirlwind, passionate, blind love that we had to start with, would not have survived this battlefield that is life and we would have ended up alone. Love needs to change, to grow up and mature. 

You don’t immediately see things change, but they do. As you grow older and wiser, experience things together, fight tempestuously and share moments of unspeakable joy, there’s less head in the clouds and more firm-beneath-my-feet. Love gets stronger, more stable and able to weather the storms of illness, adversary, financial strain and kids. It becomes your anchor in times of trouble and your safe heaven. (Whoa, too many ship metaphors!)

So don’t try to “fall in love again”. Rather try to see your love for what it is and grow it to become more than a mere hormone-cocktail driven infatuation. Build a love that will stand the test of time, not fizzle when the party is over.

I think it’s more about finding NEW ways to love your partner as often as possible, to create a new buzz and a different high. 

One that will last till death do you part.

Reacting in pain

Photo by Murray Mitchell

Anonymous wrote:

"After my husband and I had been dating for a while, I noticed a growing jealousy in him. At first he was jealous of every moment I spent with platonic guy friends. Then he started getting annoyed about my girlfriends. Then he got iffy about my family. I was starting to feel trapped and he was getting more and more jealous of all the people in my life. We fought about it constantly. I had to defend every moment I was spending with anyone besides him.

I told him it feels like he doesn't trust me.

He said it’s not me he doesn't trust, it’s the other people. I’m too trusting, they could lead me astray.

I told his to stop being ridiculous.

He wanted to know what was wrong with wanting to protect his girl.

I told him he doesn't own me……

Sound familiar?

I was at a loss. I had given him no reason not to trust me. None of my friends were up to any funny business. Where was this coming from?

Then I realized it was coming from his past. Like myself and so many other people, he’d been betrayed and hurt more than once by both friends and lovers. This was not about me at all. This was about him and the way he saw things. He saw these relationships from a place of pain and he simply wanted to protect me and himself. Because he had gotten hurt in these relationships he expected that he would get hurt again.

So I started making sure that he always knew exactly where I was at all times and who I was with. I invited him along and was completely transparent, I think I might have gotten a little annoying! But eventually he realized that this relationship was different and that I would keep his heart safe and then he relaxed. He is completely fine with everyone now. We haven't fought about this in years."

When it comes to our emotional hearts, people are at their most primal. And a hurt heart is protected by a snarling animal of suspicion and self-defense. We can’t think logically. And the old adage:”time heals all wounds” is complete nonsense. Physically, the part of our brain that handles emotions has no concept of time! Look it up. Your memories are powerful because your brain experiences them like they are happening right now. This is wonderful for those great memories you never want to forget. But it’s terrible for those painful experiences we would rather not remember. Just because you were hurt 3 years ago doesn't mean that the wound feels 3 years old. All time does is makes us used to the feeling of pain until doesn't bother us so much.

And so, the moment you spot anything that remotely reminds you of your painful experience, your primal animal snarls and reacts in what it deems to be the best way to protect your heart from more pain. And this reaction is seldom logical, civilized, voluntary or thoughtful.

So the next time your partner reacts in a way that you don’t understand, consider that they might be reacting from a place of pain. Maybe their behavior has nothing to do with you but they are simply reacting in the interest of self-preservation. So maybe, cut them some slack. They're not trying to be difficult. They are hurt and a little scared of getting hurt even more. Is there something that you could do (or stop doing) that can comfort them and make them feel safer in those situations?

And look out for that same reaction in yourself. If you realize that you’re reacting in this way, maybe you need to work through some of your own past pains. Don't punish someone else for your pain. Work through it (with professional help if needed), learn from it, grow from it and let it go. Don't let your own past pains color your views and perspective.

Changing your behavior

Please do not tell me you will never change for someone else. Have you ever thought how unbelievably arrogant that statement is? Especially considering that you expect your partner to change for you.

“I would never!” you exclaim indignantly. “I love my partner JUST the way they are and they love me the same. And if they expect me to change well then that’s just too bad. They need to love me for who I am, take it or leave it. I will not change for someone else!”

Well now, take a moment to think about that.

Take an honest look at your own expectations about your partner.

Have you ever thought:

“Well of course he’s going to stop going out on Fridays to drink with his buddies. When we get married he’ll stay home and watch Game of Thrones with me every Friday night. That’s what committed couples do!”

“Naturally she’s going to start cooking once we get married/move in together! That’s just the way these things work. “

“Obviously he’s going to spend less time on the computer once we become more permanent, this is just a single-guy-thing”

“Yes she spends all her money on shoes right now, but once we have a home together she’ll become thriftier because we’re in this together”

No? You never had a single thought of that nature? Is this not an expectation of change?

I am of the opinion that both parties need to change constantly for a relationship to last.

And before you start getting hysterical about “losing who you are, to please someone else” and “abuse of power” and “being untrue to who you are as a person”, I am NOT talking about changing your personality, what you believe in or your values. Anybody expecting you to change these elements about yourself should be kicked to the curb, I completely agree. Your personality, beliefs and values makes you who you are, this is true. But I’m not talking about that. I’m talking about adjusting your behavior. The steady diet of “Love yourself for who you are” that the media had been pouring down our throats in an effort to fight depression, has us believing that all our behavior is excusable under “This is just who I am”

Nagging is not a part of who you are, it’s your behavior.

Staying out all hours drinking is not a part of who you are, it’s your behavior.

Bringing up past mistakes in current fights is not a part of who you are, it’s your behavior.

Leaving your laundry on the floor is not a part of who you are, it’s your behavior.

You expect your partner to accept this behavior from you while at the same time demanding that they change similar behavior in themselves? Is this not arrogance? Isn't it enormously arrogant to assume that you are above reproach and that your behavior should be “endearing” while your partners’ behavior is “annoying”? You will never change for someone else? Maybe that statement is worth re-thinking.

But let’s face it, change is effort. Nobody likes changing because part of change is admitting that something is just not working. Changing takes maturity. Change takes a mind shift. But, more often than not, the changes that you need to make are minor behavior adjustments that make a huge difference.
For example, just remembering to put the cap back on the toothpaste (a 2 second move) could save you from another meaningless argument (45 minutes of agony). Seems worth it to me!

But like the saying goes: Be the change you want to see. It's no use changing one small behavior in yourself and then fighting with your spouse to force them to change one of their. Because then you're nagging again, which is a behavior nobody want in their relationships. If you truly want a marriage with less meaningless arguments and unnecessary tension, you're going to have to be willing to begin changing yourself, regardless of what your partner does.

So, what can YOU change about YOURSELF to save you a couple of arguments and lead to a more peaceful marriage?

This is how this blog began....

I talked with a friend again today and I can't even say how many times I've had this conversation with different girlfriends. MARRIAGE IS HARD! You have to WORK at it. You get rough spots. You fight. The flame dies. You want to hit your partner with a shovel, put them through a blender and pour them down the drain. You want to leave. But you don't. Because real love isn't Hollywood, Disney, happily-ever-after-bullshit. It's committing to one person and MAKING IT WORK. It's knowing that you will always have someone on your side. It's pushing though poverty, it's struggling through sickness, it's holding on though hardships until your souls become so intertwined that you meld into one heart. 

Love is NOT a feeling. It's an act of your will. 

Wanting out sometimes is normal, we all feel like that at times. But if you leave every time the honeymoon is over you will always be lonely and alone. You will never feel the rock solid, soul entangled love that comes from WORKING at it.

 Fight for your love. 

It's the only way you'll ever really have it.

Carrie Koens - "Love is as much an act of the will as it is an emotion, and if you will to love someone, you can." Ravi Zacharias's brother when he was about to enter an arranged marriage... and the quote that is responsible for knocking me for a loop and making me fall for Peter.  Wise words.

Jessie Bekker – I am one of the divorce statistics, but how do you build on something that was never even there? A marriage is yours to make or break. It is only the two of you who can make it work. If it’s important enough for both of you, you will fight for it. Everybody has problems and issues, some more than others. But we have to try again and again to find solutions, stoke the fires and keep the flame alive. Love is the greatest thing to fight for. It is our most precious possession, especially if we have kids.

Marcelle De Jongh – With hard work comes great reward. It is AMAZING to find a life partner who understands you, supports you and defs just loves you for being you.

Lee Leanie Smith - A marriage can only work if both parties are willing to fight for it.

Elbie Richter - We are never too old to learn! Things turn out best for the people who make the best of the way things turn out. -John Wooden

Happily Ever After

…..and they lived happily ever after…..

That’s how the story goes, isn't it? Any child can tell you how love works. Boy meets girl, they fall in love, then the boy needs to save the girl from some evil or obstacle after which they get married and live happily ever after. The end.

But then, the wedding is actually not the end. It’s only the beginning.

The beginning of the most amazing, grueling, life-changing, heart-breaking, inspiring, exhausting, uplifting journey of your life.  This is your story.

Both the fairy tale and your story probably start the same. Boy meets girl, you fall in love, there’s some obstacles but eventually you make it to the altar in your white dress and diamond finger candy. And that’s part of the problem. We expect the “happily ever after” to follow in our lives as it does in every story we've been told since we were babies.

“Oh but come now,” you scoff,” I’m an ADULT. I KNOW there’ll be problems. And I’m perfectly prepared for the toilet seat fight. And I know I’ll get less flowers and we’ll probably only go on one or two dates a week. But I’m OK with that. Our love can conquer anything!”

And then, after a while, things change. “The honeymoon is over” and you learn exactly what it means. Somewhere along the lines your bubble burst, the pink candyfloss clouds dissipate and you’re left with a sinking feeling that maybe your love wasn't really as true as you thought. Maybe you married the wrong person. Maybe you just don’t love each other enough. Maybe he wasn't the person you thought he was. Maybe you've just made a huge mistake. You feel like the loneliest person on earth. The fairy tale didn't happen. Because deep down you know that you hoped the fairy tale would happen for you. 

Happily ever after…..

And now, here comes the SHOCKER…..

…..

…..

EVERY MARRIAGE GOES THROUGH THIS. 

You are not special or unique. Sorry. You are pretty standard.

And what’s more, every marriage will go through this MANY TIMES.

So how has the institution of marriage survived for so many years? Simple: men and women over the ages have WORKED at it. That part isn't in any story. But that’s the way LOVE survives for 60 years or more. It takes WORK.

And this is my reason for this blog. I didn't fully understand what it takes to stay married. Nobody does before they’re neck deep in it. Nobody talks about the highs and lows, hardships and huge rewards that come with working on and fighting for your love.

So here I create a space where you can share your stories and lessons, vent, share life lessons, ask questions. Share your experiences and spare someone else some heartache or learn from someone else's experiences and spare yourself.

Welcome to “Everything”