Making Memories

Photo prom onfrenchieintheus.filed.wordpress

So, you've been thought the excitement of falling in love, the excitement of dating, the excitement of engagement and the excitement of getting married. It was heady, memorable and fun. But you might find that things slow down really quickly once you’you've “settled down” and you’re faced with the grind of everyday survival. 

So how do you keep the spark alive?

Personally I think you need to keep making memories and here’s what I’d suggest:

Take pictures of moments to remember. It’s easy to forget the good times when things are going rough. So if you’re having a great day, doing something fun or just feeling particularly close, take a picture. With technology being what it is, it’s easy to capture many precious little moments to remember when things get tough. And then browse through them whenever you need to. Create a folder with all your best moments together…you know, like a photo album in the 90’s. 

Do something special, just for your partner. Sometimes we’ll do something nice for our partner but secretly we’ll be hoping to benefit from it ourselves. If you’re honest with yourself you’ll know what I’m talking about. So consider, every once in a while, doing something that will benefit ONLY your partner, something to spoil them, unexpectedly and without expecting anything in return. Doing that means you’ll have to think analytically about your partner and you might just learn a thing or two in the process and look at your partner with new eyes.

Make time to talk. In this age of communication, we can go days on end, talking non-stop, without really saying anything, right? And that slowly but surely can make us drift apart while we fill the void with conversations about dinner, the kids, the house and work. Try to make time to really TALK to one another about your hopes and dreams for the future, current events, a book you read, all those lovely little things you talked about when you were first committed to learning as much as you could about your partner.

Reminisce.  Re-live some of your favorite memories together. Play your songs, replicate a meal from your dating days (like that Friday night slapchips from the corner kêffie from your student days) and share your favorite memories of your time together.

Write letters and notes. It seems like such a corny high school thing to do, and yet we all secretly treasure those little signs of love. Pop a note in a lunchbox or pocket and then have a box/bag/drawer where you can keep these notes for a rainy day. It always perks me up to be reminded of how much we love each other.

Spice things up in the bedroom. It can be tricky to keep thing exciting after years of being together but a little bit of change can make a world of difference. Just remember that the goal is strengthening your love and re-connecting; suddenly going all out 50-shades might not be the best option for everyone, but to each his own. Every relationship is different; just make sure you’re doing something that works for you both.

Get off the couch and out of the house. Doing this together builds bonds and makes more memories. Go for a drive, a hike, a walk, to dinner, for coffee, to a show, to a museum, on a road trip, to a gallery, to the movies, to the gym, to a wine tasting. Join a club together or volunteer somewhere as a couple.

Memories don't make themselves and keeping the spark alive is your responsibility. So participate in your own life and enjoy the results.

Supporting your husband

Image from corpusoptima.com

So, last time we talked about what guys can do to make their wives feel supported and loved. Today we look at the other side of that coin. What do guys need from their ladies to feel like they are their hero's?

"Believe in your man. Nothing breaks a guy’s spirit faster than his woman believing he’s not up to par. As much as the ladies want a knight-in-shining-armour, the guys want to be TREATED like knights. Believe he can provide, keep you safe and perform the way he has to. Saying: “O here, give me that, let me do it…If you want something done right….” is not helpful at all. Treat him like he’s your hero and he might just start believing it!"

Give him a moment to breathe. Guys also need “me-time”. Granted, it will seldom include bubble bath and a manicure, but guys need time to unwind just as much as girls do. So don’t begrudge your man that hour on the couch. Just because there’s no perfumey stuff involved doesn't mean that it’s not “me-time”.

Don’t try to fix me. You are always asking me to love you “just the way you are”. And I do. But sometimes it would be nice to get the same love back. Just love me the way that I am. I don’t want or need “fixing”. I’m not your Dad or your ex, I’ll never be and I don’t want to be. I’m happy being me. Accept me for who I am.

Sometimes I freak out a bit over money. Please understand that this is because I’m worried that I won’t be able to take care of us the way that I want to. As a man, this is my job, to take the best care I can of you and our kids. And sometimes this means that you have to save money WITH me. Pressuring me about spending more than we have will just lead to more fight or worries for me.

Don’t stop caring for yourself. Guys don’t notice when you gain 3kg. But they do notice when you stop combing your hair or wearing make-up and sit around in sweats all day. You don’t have to do that 20’s thing of being dressed and made up before the man gets up, but please don’t just let yourself go once you get a guy. Your man is the person who loves to see you dressed up more than anyone else.

Don’t “have a headache” every night. Guys don’t ask for their sex-drive, they’re born with it. Please try and understand that your man can’t help but be attracted to you and that he wants to show it to you in a physical way.  Let him. And love him back. Your guy wants to feel wanted too. Tell him what he needs to do to make you happy. He wants to know.

TALK to your guy! Don't throw around hints and sigh or whatever. Just tell him what is wrong and what you want done to fix it. We don't get this subtle signs business. Be clear about things, it will save us both a load of effort.

Supporting your wife

Photo from anattitudeadjustment

We all try to be superwoman. There is enormous pressure on women to be the perfect wife, mother, housekeeper, chef, career woman and all round super model. But sometimes it gets to be too much and we need support from our partners. 

Here's anonymous's take on how a husband can support his wife.

What it means to support your wife:

1. Do not fight with her. She will stop talking to you if you keep fighting about everything. When you get home from work, go take 10 min to 'get work off'. Don't bring work fights and anger home.

2. Support her dreams- Encourage her to dream and do what you can to make her dreams come true. Work out a plan of action so that you can make her dreams come true.

3. Acknowledge that what she does has value. Being a housewife and taking care of your children is JUST AS IMPORTANT as your 8-5 job. There's an old email that works out the cost of hiring people to do the job of a mother or housewife. You cannot hire them all on your salary. So instead of fighting with her about how much money she spent keeping the house going, rather praise her for what she has done to keep your house in running order. Life is expensive. She's cutting as many corners as she can, trying to make you happy by saving money. How about trusting her that she's doing the best she can with what she has? There's nothing as soul destroying as having to worry about keeping your husband happy with how you spend money, hoping that you can keep everybody fed and he shows no gratitude for what you do.

4. Give her an allowance that's just for her. So that she can spend money on magazines or coffee with a friend without feeling guilty. Work out a similar amount for yourself that you can spend on the things that you want.

5. Listen when she talks. If she says she's not coping, she needs more than just “Aaw shame, I'm sorry” and a pat on the back. Get out of your own world and help her.  Help her with the kids, the washing, the cleaning, cooking or shopping. Take the load off of her so that she can rest, recover and get back to being all she can be.

6. Take her out for coffee or go on a date night without complaining about what it costs. You're paying to spend focussed, relaxed time together. Don't mess it up by complaining about the cost. Restaurants have online menus these days. Go do your research and find a place to suit your pocket.

You will have peace in your home:

-If your wife knows that she can trust you. If she knows she can come to you openly and you will not fight with her.

-If she knows she is safe with you.  That you will keep her safe, making sure the house is safe in whatever way that may mean: fixing broken things or letting her get it fixed without fighting about what it costs. Or making sure the doors are locked before bed time.

-If she knows that you think she is beautiful. She needs to hear you say it. Making comments about how hot an actress is, is not your manly right, it's disrespectful and hurtful to your wife.

-If she knows that you love her, no matter what. Say it 10 times a day, and mean it.

Praise her in front of other people. The woman in Proverbs 31 is running a huge enterprise and taking care of her family and the community and she can do that because her husband supports her and trusts her.

She's your wife and your helper, not your mom. She chose to marry you. Be a husband, father, and protector. 

Keep her heart safe.