Supporting your husband

Image from corpusoptima.com

So, last time we talked about what guys can do to make their wives feel supported and loved. Today we look at the other side of that coin. What do guys need from their ladies to feel like they are their hero's?

"Believe in your man. Nothing breaks a guy’s spirit faster than his woman believing he’s not up to par. As much as the ladies want a knight-in-shining-armour, the guys want to be TREATED like knights. Believe he can provide, keep you safe and perform the way he has to. Saying: “O here, give me that, let me do it…If you want something done right….” is not helpful at all. Treat him like he’s your hero and he might just start believing it!"

Give him a moment to breathe. Guys also need “me-time”. Granted, it will seldom include bubble bath and a manicure, but guys need time to unwind just as much as girls do. So don’t begrudge your man that hour on the couch. Just because there’s no perfumey stuff involved doesn't mean that it’s not “me-time”.

Don’t try to fix me. You are always asking me to love you “just the way you are”. And I do. But sometimes it would be nice to get the same love back. Just love me the way that I am. I don’t want or need “fixing”. I’m not your Dad or your ex, I’ll never be and I don’t want to be. I’m happy being me. Accept me for who I am.

Sometimes I freak out a bit over money. Please understand that this is because I’m worried that I won’t be able to take care of us the way that I want to. As a man, this is my job, to take the best care I can of you and our kids. And sometimes this means that you have to save money WITH me. Pressuring me about spending more than we have will just lead to more fight or worries for me.

Don’t stop caring for yourself. Guys don’t notice when you gain 3kg. But they do notice when you stop combing your hair or wearing make-up and sit around in sweats all day. You don’t have to do that 20’s thing of being dressed and made up before the man gets up, but please don’t just let yourself go once you get a guy. Your man is the person who loves to see you dressed up more than anyone else.

Don’t “have a headache” every night. Guys don’t ask for their sex-drive, they’re born with it. Please try and understand that your man can’t help but be attracted to you and that he wants to show it to you in a physical way.  Let him. And love him back. Your guy wants to feel wanted too. Tell him what he needs to do to make you happy. He wants to know.

TALK to your guy! Don't throw around hints and sigh or whatever. Just tell him what is wrong and what you want done to fix it. We don't get this subtle signs business. Be clear about things, it will save us both a load of effort.

Changing your behavior

Please do not tell me you will never change for someone else. Have you ever thought how unbelievably arrogant that statement is? Especially considering that you expect your partner to change for you.

“I would never!” you exclaim indignantly. “I love my partner JUST the way they are and they love me the same. And if they expect me to change well then that’s just too bad. They need to love me for who I am, take it or leave it. I will not change for someone else!”

Well now, take a moment to think about that.

Take an honest look at your own expectations about your partner.

Have you ever thought:

“Well of course he’s going to stop going out on Fridays to drink with his buddies. When we get married he’ll stay home and watch Game of Thrones with me every Friday night. That’s what committed couples do!”

“Naturally she’s going to start cooking once we get married/move in together! That’s just the way these things work. “

“Obviously he’s going to spend less time on the computer once we become more permanent, this is just a single-guy-thing”

“Yes she spends all her money on shoes right now, but once we have a home together she’ll become thriftier because we’re in this together”

No? You never had a single thought of that nature? Is this not an expectation of change?

I am of the opinion that both parties need to change constantly for a relationship to last.

And before you start getting hysterical about “losing who you are, to please someone else” and “abuse of power” and “being untrue to who you are as a person”, I am NOT talking about changing your personality, what you believe in or your values. Anybody expecting you to change these elements about yourself should be kicked to the curb, I completely agree. Your personality, beliefs and values makes you who you are, this is true. But I’m not talking about that. I’m talking about adjusting your behavior. The steady diet of “Love yourself for who you are” that the media had been pouring down our throats in an effort to fight depression, has us believing that all our behavior is excusable under “This is just who I am”

Nagging is not a part of who you are, it’s your behavior.

Staying out all hours drinking is not a part of who you are, it’s your behavior.

Bringing up past mistakes in current fights is not a part of who you are, it’s your behavior.

Leaving your laundry on the floor is not a part of who you are, it’s your behavior.

You expect your partner to accept this behavior from you while at the same time demanding that they change similar behavior in themselves? Is this not arrogance? Isn't it enormously arrogant to assume that you are above reproach and that your behavior should be “endearing” while your partners’ behavior is “annoying”? You will never change for someone else? Maybe that statement is worth re-thinking.

But let’s face it, change is effort. Nobody likes changing because part of change is admitting that something is just not working. Changing takes maturity. Change takes a mind shift. But, more often than not, the changes that you need to make are minor behavior adjustments that make a huge difference.
For example, just remembering to put the cap back on the toothpaste (a 2 second move) could save you from another meaningless argument (45 minutes of agony). Seems worth it to me!

But like the saying goes: Be the change you want to see. It's no use changing one small behavior in yourself and then fighting with your spouse to force them to change one of their. Because then you're nagging again, which is a behavior nobody want in their relationships. If you truly want a marriage with less meaningless arguments and unnecessary tension, you're going to have to be willing to begin changing yourself, regardless of what your partner does.

So, what can YOU change about YOURSELF to save you a couple of arguments and lead to a more peaceful marriage?