Hard Times Make You Stronger

Today I was looking at the calender and noticed that 2014 had managed to slip almost 3 month past me without so much as a by-your-leave. I'm sorry for the long silence, it's been a trying 3 months. My husband and I were struck reeling by the miscarriage we suffered in January. It's such a common tragedy and yet still shrouded in silence and mystery. And what nobody tells you, is that it manages to completely change your life. I am finding it very difficult to move on.

But here is the silver lining, the warm ray of golden light at the end of my tunnel. I am not alone. This is another thing that nobody told me about marriage; if you will allow your partner to be present in your pain, and to help carry the weight of your sorrows, you will find a well of strength deeper that you could ever imagine and it will bind you even closer together. 

I am finding that, in the midst of our loss, we are finding each other more and more. 

It's funny how we take for granted the sunny days and the good times, in every aspect of our lives. Human beings seem to be able to drown both the good and the bad of life in an ocean of everyday banality. If it works, we don't meddle, and at the same time stop appreciating how blessed we really are. 

Tragedy has a way of rocking our world so we can see what our foundations are made of.

Here is what I have learned while looking at mine: 

• You can isolate yourself in an effort to protect your heart, but you will miss out on the warmth and comfort that comes with being protected by your partner
• Sharing your pain will bring you closer together. As you show your heart and see what is in your partner's heart your love will reach new heights. There is growth in a relationship that can only come in hard times.
• Build on each other in the good times. The stronger you make your relationship on the sunny days, the better you'll be able to shelter in it on the rainy ones.

I do not wish hard times on anyone, however they are an inevitable part of life. So the next time you find yourself in the midst of heartache or disaster, at the very least, use the moment to draw closer to the one you love. There is opportunity even in tragedy.

Stability and Example

Photo from envato.com

So yesterday I went to the Medicross Clinic, since I was in dire need of some drugs and reassurance. Being pregnant and sick with the flu can do that to you! So, I came away with very little in the way of meds (anything for baby) and a lot in the way of reassurance (Thanks Dr Kamedien!)

And as we were talking about kids and the raising of kids and all the useful/useless/frightening/depressing advice that people tend to give about the topic, he said something that really hit home. And while I wish I had recorded it, you'll just have to make do with my preggy-muddled memory of it. So this is, loosely, what he said:

The best thing you can give your child is stability and example.

And most importantly, the example of a stable marriage. 

You'll have your kids with you for 18 maybe 20 years and then they leave, but you still have to make it work with your partner. And many people focus so much on the kids in those years that, by the time the nest is empty, they are complete strangers and end up divorcing. 

If you really want the best for your kids then give them an example of a stable, happy relationship. But don't just stay together for the kids, that's not healthy or helpful to anyone. Kids aren't stupid, they know when you're being fake. But they are also adjustable. People tend to center their lives around their kids, which means that there's very little left of their lives once the kids leave home. You need to center your life around your marriage, the kids will adjust to it just fine. And lets face it, kids from a home with a happy marriage just tend to do better on the whole.

That doesn't mean that you're not going to mess up your kids. Everyone tries to be the perfect parent and yet everyone manages to get something wrong. Let's be honest, every parent makes mistakes. But if there is one gift you could give your child, wouldn't it be stability and a good example to follow?

Think about it.

One of the biggest decisions any person will ever make is who they choose to spend their life with. Your career, where you live, when you have kids, etc. those are all major decision but they are small in comparison, if you really think about it. It is the one choice that can bring them years of happiness en growth and love. And one of the things that cause the most pain and suffering in a persons life can be their relationships. So isn't a solid example of a happy relationship a gift that you can give your child that will be valuable for the rest of their lives?

Working on your marriage is not optional. Having a stable, happy marriage can make your life and kids lives, richer, more rewarding and much less complicated. You owe it to your kids, you owe it to your partner but mostly, you owe it to yourself, to make the very best of your marriage.


(Thanks to Dr Zaahier Kamedien from Medicross Tokai for sharing the words of wisdom!)

Making Memories

Photo prom onfrenchieintheus.filed.wordpress

So, you've been thought the excitement of falling in love, the excitement of dating, the excitement of engagement and the excitement of getting married. It was heady, memorable and fun. But you might find that things slow down really quickly once you’you've “settled down” and you’re faced with the grind of everyday survival. 

So how do you keep the spark alive?

Personally I think you need to keep making memories and here’s what I’d suggest:

Take pictures of moments to remember. It’s easy to forget the good times when things are going rough. So if you’re having a great day, doing something fun or just feeling particularly close, take a picture. With technology being what it is, it’s easy to capture many precious little moments to remember when things get tough. And then browse through them whenever you need to. Create a folder with all your best moments together…you know, like a photo album in the 90’s. 

Do something special, just for your partner. Sometimes we’ll do something nice for our partner but secretly we’ll be hoping to benefit from it ourselves. If you’re honest with yourself you’ll know what I’m talking about. So consider, every once in a while, doing something that will benefit ONLY your partner, something to spoil them, unexpectedly and without expecting anything in return. Doing that means you’ll have to think analytically about your partner and you might just learn a thing or two in the process and look at your partner with new eyes.

Make time to talk. In this age of communication, we can go days on end, talking non-stop, without really saying anything, right? And that slowly but surely can make us drift apart while we fill the void with conversations about dinner, the kids, the house and work. Try to make time to really TALK to one another about your hopes and dreams for the future, current events, a book you read, all those lovely little things you talked about when you were first committed to learning as much as you could about your partner.

Reminisce.  Re-live some of your favorite memories together. Play your songs, replicate a meal from your dating days (like that Friday night slapchips from the corner kêffie from your student days) and share your favorite memories of your time together.

Write letters and notes. It seems like such a corny high school thing to do, and yet we all secretly treasure those little signs of love. Pop a note in a lunchbox or pocket and then have a box/bag/drawer where you can keep these notes for a rainy day. It always perks me up to be reminded of how much we love each other.

Spice things up in the bedroom. It can be tricky to keep thing exciting after years of being together but a little bit of change can make a world of difference. Just remember that the goal is strengthening your love and re-connecting; suddenly going all out 50-shades might not be the best option for everyone, but to each his own. Every relationship is different; just make sure you’re doing something that works for you both.

Get off the couch and out of the house. Doing this together builds bonds and makes more memories. Go for a drive, a hike, a walk, to dinner, for coffee, to a show, to a museum, on a road trip, to a gallery, to the movies, to the gym, to a wine tasting. Join a club together or volunteer somewhere as a couple.

Memories don't make themselves and keeping the spark alive is your responsibility. So participate in your own life and enjoy the results.

Supporting your husband

Image from corpusoptima.com

So, last time we talked about what guys can do to make their wives feel supported and loved. Today we look at the other side of that coin. What do guys need from their ladies to feel like they are their hero's?

"Believe in your man. Nothing breaks a guy’s spirit faster than his woman believing he’s not up to par. As much as the ladies want a knight-in-shining-armour, the guys want to be TREATED like knights. Believe he can provide, keep you safe and perform the way he has to. Saying: “O here, give me that, let me do it…If you want something done right….” is not helpful at all. Treat him like he’s your hero and he might just start believing it!"

Give him a moment to breathe. Guys also need “me-time”. Granted, it will seldom include bubble bath and a manicure, but guys need time to unwind just as much as girls do. So don’t begrudge your man that hour on the couch. Just because there’s no perfumey stuff involved doesn't mean that it’s not “me-time”.

Don’t try to fix me. You are always asking me to love you “just the way you are”. And I do. But sometimes it would be nice to get the same love back. Just love me the way that I am. I don’t want or need “fixing”. I’m not your Dad or your ex, I’ll never be and I don’t want to be. I’m happy being me. Accept me for who I am.

Sometimes I freak out a bit over money. Please understand that this is because I’m worried that I won’t be able to take care of us the way that I want to. As a man, this is my job, to take the best care I can of you and our kids. And sometimes this means that you have to save money WITH me. Pressuring me about spending more than we have will just lead to more fight or worries for me.

Don’t stop caring for yourself. Guys don’t notice when you gain 3kg. But they do notice when you stop combing your hair or wearing make-up and sit around in sweats all day. You don’t have to do that 20’s thing of being dressed and made up before the man gets up, but please don’t just let yourself go once you get a guy. Your man is the person who loves to see you dressed up more than anyone else.

Don’t “have a headache” every night. Guys don’t ask for their sex-drive, they’re born with it. Please try and understand that your man can’t help but be attracted to you and that he wants to show it to you in a physical way.  Let him. And love him back. Your guy wants to feel wanted too. Tell him what he needs to do to make you happy. He wants to know.

TALK to your guy! Don't throw around hints and sigh or whatever. Just tell him what is wrong and what you want done to fix it. We don't get this subtle signs business. Be clear about things, it will save us both a load of effort.

Supporting your wife

Photo from anattitudeadjustment

We all try to be superwoman. There is enormous pressure on women to be the perfect wife, mother, housekeeper, chef, career woman and all round super model. But sometimes it gets to be too much and we need support from our partners. 

Here's anonymous's take on how a husband can support his wife.

What it means to support your wife:

1. Do not fight with her. She will stop talking to you if you keep fighting about everything. When you get home from work, go take 10 min to 'get work off'. Don't bring work fights and anger home.

2. Support her dreams- Encourage her to dream and do what you can to make her dreams come true. Work out a plan of action so that you can make her dreams come true.

3. Acknowledge that what she does has value. Being a housewife and taking care of your children is JUST AS IMPORTANT as your 8-5 job. There's an old email that works out the cost of hiring people to do the job of a mother or housewife. You cannot hire them all on your salary. So instead of fighting with her about how much money she spent keeping the house going, rather praise her for what she has done to keep your house in running order. Life is expensive. She's cutting as many corners as she can, trying to make you happy by saving money. How about trusting her that she's doing the best she can with what she has? There's nothing as soul destroying as having to worry about keeping your husband happy with how you spend money, hoping that you can keep everybody fed and he shows no gratitude for what you do.

4. Give her an allowance that's just for her. So that she can spend money on magazines or coffee with a friend without feeling guilty. Work out a similar amount for yourself that you can spend on the things that you want.

5. Listen when she talks. If she says she's not coping, she needs more than just “Aaw shame, I'm sorry” and a pat on the back. Get out of your own world and help her.  Help her with the kids, the washing, the cleaning, cooking or shopping. Take the load off of her so that she can rest, recover and get back to being all she can be.

6. Take her out for coffee or go on a date night without complaining about what it costs. You're paying to spend focussed, relaxed time together. Don't mess it up by complaining about the cost. Restaurants have online menus these days. Go do your research and find a place to suit your pocket.

You will have peace in your home:

-If your wife knows that she can trust you. If she knows she can come to you openly and you will not fight with her.

-If she knows she is safe with you.  That you will keep her safe, making sure the house is safe in whatever way that may mean: fixing broken things or letting her get it fixed without fighting about what it costs. Or making sure the doors are locked before bed time.

-If she knows that you think she is beautiful. She needs to hear you say it. Making comments about how hot an actress is, is not your manly right, it's disrespectful and hurtful to your wife.

-If she knows that you love her, no matter what. Say it 10 times a day, and mean it.

Praise her in front of other people. The woman in Proverbs 31 is running a huge enterprise and taking care of her family and the community and she can do that because her husband supports her and trusts her.

She's your wife and your helper, not your mom. She chose to marry you. Be a husband, father, and protector. 

Keep her heart safe.

Falling in love...

Falling in love is the easiest thing in the world.

People fall in love every day with the most mundane of things. Just last week I fell in love with a song I heard on the radio. Butterflies, breath caught in my throat, heart racing, the whole 9 yards. I sometimes get the same over a recipe (but who wouldn’t love a moist, double dark chocolate cake smothered in a cloud of whipped cream?)

What have you fallen in love with recently? Those gorgeous heels?  A fantastic TV series? A legendary sports team?  

Falling in love is deliciously fun, ridiculously easy and completely selfish. It’s about how YOU feel and what YOU get out of it. Falling in love is about YOU.

And falling in love with people is the most fun of all, because your hormones can get involved! So it’s a natural high like no other. Testosterone, oestrogen, dopamine, adrenaline, serotonin, endorphins galore! It’s a party in your brain and your body! When you fall in love initially your body is raging with hormones and chemicals, you’re buzzed and it feels amazing.  But you can’t replicate those chemicals with willpower any more than you can make it rain…

“Marriage requires falling in love every day, with the same person”

How many times have you heard that? Or thought about it while looking at your partner slumped on the couch in their PJ’s after you’ve both had a day from hell or while they’re doing that annoying thing that you just can’t STAND? How are you supposed to "fall in love everyday" when the everyday get's in the way?

“Falling in love again” sounds easy (because it’s got the word “fall” in it) but we all know it’s a tall order. It's work and quite frankly it’s easier to just give up and fall in love with someone new.  

So here’s one of those things no-one ever told me: “Falling in love” is only the first tiny step on a journey that can last your whole life. Love changes. Your relationship changes, your spouse changes and YOU change. And if you try hanging on to the first little step forever, you will never experience true love. You will just constantly be craving the old buzz and replicating it with a new partner. 

I am not the same girl who got married almost 9 years ago and I’m married to a completely different man. We don’t think the same way we did back then, we don’t feel the same and our love is not the same and I’m thankful for that. Because the ditzy, whirlwind, passionate, blind love that we had to start with, would not have survived this battlefield that is life and we would have ended up alone. Love needs to change, to grow up and mature. 

You don’t immediately see things change, but they do. As you grow older and wiser, experience things together, fight tempestuously and share moments of unspeakable joy, there’s less head in the clouds and more firm-beneath-my-feet. Love gets stronger, more stable and able to weather the storms of illness, adversary, financial strain and kids. It becomes your anchor in times of trouble and your safe heaven. (Whoa, too many ship metaphors!)

So don’t try to “fall in love again”. Rather try to see your love for what it is and grow it to become more than a mere hormone-cocktail driven infatuation. Build a love that will stand the test of time, not fizzle when the party is over.

I think it’s more about finding NEW ways to love your partner as often as possible, to create a new buzz and a different high. 

One that will last till death do you part.

Brick Walls

Brick walls.

They’re all around us. They keep a roof over our heads and the elements out of our bedrooms. And sometimes we have long, meaningful conversations with the brick wall sitting next to us on the couch.

“I feel like there’s a wall between us.”

We’ve all had moments like that and not only with partners but sometimes with family and friends. Why is that? Where do these obstructions come from?

Bruce Wilkinson did a series called “The Biblical Portrait of Marriage”, which had the best explanation for this that I’ve ever heard.

Image you’re facing your partner. Now imagine an obstacle (unresolved conflict, lies, secrets) is a brick in your hand. You can either toss it aside (resolve the issue) or put it down between you. One or two bricks don’t make much of a difference; you can still reach each other easily, so people don’t think too much about it and the issue remains unresolved. However, keep putting down bricks between you, for year after year and eventually a wall starts to form.

Now, these walls are seldom built on purpose. Usually it just starts with little things:

“Ugh, I can’t be bothered to explain the whole situation, I’ll just not tell her about it.”

“I’m not up for the drama. I’ll just stop talking about this so we can just have some peace.”

“He can’t handle the truth about how I really feel about this, I’ll just save his feelings and say it’s fine.”

And little by little distance starts to build, because you have to keep track of your bricks. Some people feel safer behind their walls. They think that avoiding issues avoids conflict and thus spares the relationship, however, this also causes isolation. And if you’re feeling alone in the middle of a relationship, then it’s not working anymore. Those walls need to come down.

Now, nobody like breaking down these walls (except maybe Miley Cyrus), since it involves talking about all the stuff that NOBODY wants to talk about. Secrets, lies and feelings are all awkward topics of conversation, but in the long run connecting honestly with your partner is what will keep you strong. You need to be building up yourselves and your relationship, not building walls to keep each other out.

So have a close look at the walls between you and your partner, maybe it’s still just a line or two, maybe it’s a re-enforced castle wall built over many years. Either way, there’s hope. If you want to get closer with your partner, start picking away at those bricks. Little by little, bit by bit, brick by brick, take down your walls and connect with the one you love.