Hard Times Make You Stronger

Today I was looking at the calender and noticed that 2014 had managed to slip almost 3 month past me without so much as a by-your-leave. I'm sorry for the long silence, it's been a trying 3 months. My husband and I were struck reeling by the miscarriage we suffered in January. It's such a common tragedy and yet still shrouded in silence and mystery. And what nobody tells you, is that it manages to completely change your life. I am finding it very difficult to move on.

But here is the silver lining, the warm ray of golden light at the end of my tunnel. I am not alone. This is another thing that nobody told me about marriage; if you will allow your partner to be present in your pain, and to help carry the weight of your sorrows, you will find a well of strength deeper that you could ever imagine and it will bind you even closer together. 

I am finding that, in the midst of our loss, we are finding each other more and more. 

It's funny how we take for granted the sunny days and the good times, in every aspect of our lives. Human beings seem to be able to drown both the good and the bad of life in an ocean of everyday banality. If it works, we don't meddle, and at the same time stop appreciating how blessed we really are. 

Tragedy has a way of rocking our world so we can see what our foundations are made of.

Here is what I have learned while looking at mine: 

• You can isolate yourself in an effort to protect your heart, but you will miss out on the warmth and comfort that comes with being protected by your partner
• Sharing your pain will bring you closer together. As you show your heart and see what is in your partner's heart your love will reach new heights. There is growth in a relationship that can only come in hard times.
• Build on each other in the good times. The stronger you make your relationship on the sunny days, the better you'll be able to shelter in it on the rainy ones.

I do not wish hard times on anyone, however they are an inevitable part of life. So the next time you find yourself in the midst of heartache or disaster, at the very least, use the moment to draw closer to the one you love. There is opportunity even in tragedy.

Stability and Example

Photo from envato.com

So yesterday I went to the Medicross Clinic, since I was in dire need of some drugs and reassurance. Being pregnant and sick with the flu can do that to you! So, I came away with very little in the way of meds (anything for baby) and a lot in the way of reassurance (Thanks Dr Kamedien!)

And as we were talking about kids and the raising of kids and all the useful/useless/frightening/depressing advice that people tend to give about the topic, he said something that really hit home. And while I wish I had recorded it, you'll just have to make do with my preggy-muddled memory of it. So this is, loosely, what he said:

The best thing you can give your child is stability and example.

And most importantly, the example of a stable marriage. 

You'll have your kids with you for 18 maybe 20 years and then they leave, but you still have to make it work with your partner. And many people focus so much on the kids in those years that, by the time the nest is empty, they are complete strangers and end up divorcing. 

If you really want the best for your kids then give them an example of a stable, happy relationship. But don't just stay together for the kids, that's not healthy or helpful to anyone. Kids aren't stupid, they know when you're being fake. But they are also adjustable. People tend to center their lives around their kids, which means that there's very little left of their lives once the kids leave home. You need to center your life around your marriage, the kids will adjust to it just fine. And lets face it, kids from a home with a happy marriage just tend to do better on the whole.

That doesn't mean that you're not going to mess up your kids. Everyone tries to be the perfect parent and yet everyone manages to get something wrong. Let's be honest, every parent makes mistakes. But if there is one gift you could give your child, wouldn't it be stability and a good example to follow?

Think about it.

One of the biggest decisions any person will ever make is who they choose to spend their life with. Your career, where you live, when you have kids, etc. those are all major decision but they are small in comparison, if you really think about it. It is the one choice that can bring them years of happiness en growth and love. And one of the things that cause the most pain and suffering in a persons life can be their relationships. So isn't a solid example of a happy relationship a gift that you can give your child that will be valuable for the rest of their lives?

Working on your marriage is not optional. Having a stable, happy marriage can make your life and kids lives, richer, more rewarding and much less complicated. You owe it to your kids, you owe it to your partner but mostly, you owe it to yourself, to make the very best of your marriage.


(Thanks to Dr Zaahier Kamedien from Medicross Tokai for sharing the words of wisdom!)

Making Memories

Photo prom onfrenchieintheus.filed.wordpress

So, you've been thought the excitement of falling in love, the excitement of dating, the excitement of engagement and the excitement of getting married. It was heady, memorable and fun. But you might find that things slow down really quickly once you’you've “settled down” and you’re faced with the grind of everyday survival. 

So how do you keep the spark alive?

Personally I think you need to keep making memories and here’s what I’d suggest:

Take pictures of moments to remember. It’s easy to forget the good times when things are going rough. So if you’re having a great day, doing something fun or just feeling particularly close, take a picture. With technology being what it is, it’s easy to capture many precious little moments to remember when things get tough. And then browse through them whenever you need to. Create a folder with all your best moments together…you know, like a photo album in the 90’s. 

Do something special, just for your partner. Sometimes we’ll do something nice for our partner but secretly we’ll be hoping to benefit from it ourselves. If you’re honest with yourself you’ll know what I’m talking about. So consider, every once in a while, doing something that will benefit ONLY your partner, something to spoil them, unexpectedly and without expecting anything in return. Doing that means you’ll have to think analytically about your partner and you might just learn a thing or two in the process and look at your partner with new eyes.

Make time to talk. In this age of communication, we can go days on end, talking non-stop, without really saying anything, right? And that slowly but surely can make us drift apart while we fill the void with conversations about dinner, the kids, the house and work. Try to make time to really TALK to one another about your hopes and dreams for the future, current events, a book you read, all those lovely little things you talked about when you were first committed to learning as much as you could about your partner.

Reminisce.  Re-live some of your favorite memories together. Play your songs, replicate a meal from your dating days (like that Friday night slapchips from the corner kêffie from your student days) and share your favorite memories of your time together.

Write letters and notes. It seems like such a corny high school thing to do, and yet we all secretly treasure those little signs of love. Pop a note in a lunchbox or pocket and then have a box/bag/drawer where you can keep these notes for a rainy day. It always perks me up to be reminded of how much we love each other.

Spice things up in the bedroom. It can be tricky to keep thing exciting after years of being together but a little bit of change can make a world of difference. Just remember that the goal is strengthening your love and re-connecting; suddenly going all out 50-shades might not be the best option for everyone, but to each his own. Every relationship is different; just make sure you’re doing something that works for you both.

Get off the couch and out of the house. Doing this together builds bonds and makes more memories. Go for a drive, a hike, a walk, to dinner, for coffee, to a show, to a museum, on a road trip, to a gallery, to the movies, to the gym, to a wine tasting. Join a club together or volunteer somewhere as a couple.

Memories don't make themselves and keeping the spark alive is your responsibility. So participate in your own life and enjoy the results.