Brick Walls

Brick walls.

They’re all around us. They keep a roof over our heads and the elements out of our bedrooms. And sometimes we have long, meaningful conversations with the brick wall sitting next to us on the couch.

“I feel like there’s a wall between us.”

We’ve all had moments like that and not only with partners but sometimes with family and friends. Why is that? Where do these obstructions come from?

Bruce Wilkinson did a series called “The Biblical Portrait of Marriage”, which had the best explanation for this that I’ve ever heard.

Image you’re facing your partner. Now imagine an obstacle (unresolved conflict, lies, secrets) is a brick in your hand. You can either toss it aside (resolve the issue) or put it down between you. One or two bricks don’t make much of a difference; you can still reach each other easily, so people don’t think too much about it and the issue remains unresolved. However, keep putting down bricks between you, for year after year and eventually a wall starts to form.

Now, these walls are seldom built on purpose. Usually it just starts with little things:

“Ugh, I can’t be bothered to explain the whole situation, I’ll just not tell her about it.”

“I’m not up for the drama. I’ll just stop talking about this so we can just have some peace.”

“He can’t handle the truth about how I really feel about this, I’ll just save his feelings and say it’s fine.”

And little by little distance starts to build, because you have to keep track of your bricks. Some people feel safer behind their walls. They think that avoiding issues avoids conflict and thus spares the relationship, however, this also causes isolation. And if you’re feeling alone in the middle of a relationship, then it’s not working anymore. Those walls need to come down.

Now, nobody like breaking down these walls (except maybe Miley Cyrus), since it involves talking about all the stuff that NOBODY wants to talk about. Secrets, lies and feelings are all awkward topics of conversation, but in the long run connecting honestly with your partner is what will keep you strong. You need to be building up yourselves and your relationship, not building walls to keep each other out.

So have a close look at the walls between you and your partner, maybe it’s still just a line or two, maybe it’s a re-enforced castle wall built over many years. Either way, there’s hope. If you want to get closer with your partner, start picking away at those bricks. Little by little, bit by bit, brick by brick, take down your walls and connect with the one you love.

Fighting like a pro

During the first stage of a relationship, most people will have very few fights. Disagreements get squashed as soon as possible because we’re all on our best behavior and don’t want to do anything “to mess it up”. We will make excuses for the other person’s actions, apologize quickly for our own, adjust our plans, all in order to avoid upsetting the apple cart.

But as we get more secure in our relationships we start standing our ground a bit more.

“HE can change HIS plans, I made my arrangements first. He doesn't own me.”

“SHE needs to get over it; this is just the way I am. Take it or leave it.”

And so, the longer we are together, the more the fights seem to escalate. And one day, it becomes a power struggle. A socially expected (yeah, that’s right, not accepted but EXPECTED) power struggle. Just think about the amount of movies and sitcoms you saw in the last week about the struggle to win an argument in a marriage. If confronted with an argument from your spouse, the goal is to outwit, outsmart, outplay the other person, Survivor style, right? The winner is the person who sways the argument in their favor and gets their way, not matter the tactics used.

Now, anybody that’s been in a serious relationship for more than 5 minutes will know how these fights go. It starts with a mild disagreement and before you know it old cows are being dragged up out of long-forgotten ditches. Voices get raised, insults and accusations get flung about and finally someone storms off or sulks in silence. Both of you are now upset, hurt and furious. And the problem will 90% of the time not be solved but actually worsened by the whole argument.

So where do you go from there? Simply bully the person to submit to your will? Go ahead and do whatever you like with or without your partner’s consent? Manipulate them with sex or money or guilt?

That’s not helpful, positive or loving in any way. Nobody wants to be that person and yet we all do it.

Do you mind a bit of a Dr Phil-ism? A lot of the times we’re fighting about topics to avoid talking about the issues. It’s a lot easier to screech at your husband for getting home late from the office than to admit that you’re insecure about your body and worried about the new receptionist at his office. And yelling at your wife about spending too much money makes you less vulnerable than admitting that you’re scared about your financial future and that makes you feel like an inferior man.

So here’s my suggestion: (and please note, these are suggestions that I’m trying to follow myself. Sometimes I even succeed! But we all struggle with these)

Firstly, remain calm. Don’t let you emotions run away with your head and don’t say things in anger. If you can’t do that, then take a break. If you’re in a fight and you feel yourself giving in to angry emotions, then rather press pause. My partner and I have agreed to pause any argument at any stage before we say hurtful things. Leave the room, gather your thoughts, go back in and resume the argument, minus the heat. DO NOT USE THIS AS AN EXCUSE TO AVOID THE FIGHT!!! This is just a break to gather yourself. Leaving things unresolved will only make things worse. Take 5 minutes to breathe and then go back. Don't leave the house or run away, stay till it's sorted.

Secondly, never get personal. The issue you are disagreeing about is external, whatever you may feel like in the moment. Avoid any sentences that start with YOU ARE SO… or THIS IS SO TYPICAL… or even worse YOU’RE JUST LIKE… Most arguments are about behavior or people’s reaction to situations or simple misunderstanding. People's mistakes and behavior DO NOT define who they are as people. You don't want to be judged that way, so don't judge your partner for their actions.

Third, THINK! Think about WHAT exactly you want to say. What is the ACTUAL issue and how will you communicate this in a way that your partner will understand? What are you feeling and WHY? Try to explain in a calm and clear manner. And keep your ears open to hear what your partner is trying to communicate to you.

Lastly, finish the fight and then let it go. If you're still holding on to something then you're not done talking about it. Don't discuss it to death, you don't need to nitpick about every little detail, but be sure to come to a point where you can comfortably let this go. Fights should be forgotten. Retain the lessons that you learned from the situation but don't hold on to the memory of the argument. It's hard, because our fierce emotions want to implant the moment into our brains but it's really not worth it. Let it go, make peace and move on.

The goal is to find a compromise that leaves both parties happy and then to re-unite as a stronger team. Remember, the struggle is not against your partner. You're on the same team, so work it out to build a stronger relationship.