Brick walls.
They’re all around us. They keep a roof over our heads and
the elements out of our bedrooms. And sometimes we have long, meaningful
conversations with the brick wall sitting next to us on the couch.
“I feel like there’s a wall between us.”
We’ve all had moments like that and not only with partners
but sometimes with family and friends. Why is that? Where do these obstructions
come from?
Bruce Wilkinson did a series called “The Biblical Portrait
of Marriage”, which had the best explanation for this that I’ve ever heard.
Image you’re facing your partner. Now imagine an obstacle
(unresolved conflict, lies, secrets) is a brick in your hand. You can either toss
it aside (resolve the issue) or put it down between you. One or two bricks
don’t make much of a difference; you can still reach each other easily, so
people don’t think too much about it and the issue remains unresolved. However,
keep putting down bricks between you, for year after year and eventually a wall
starts to form.
Now, these walls are seldom built on purpose. Usually it
just starts with little things:
“Ugh, I can’t be bothered to explain the whole situation,
I’ll just not tell her about it.”
“I’m not up for the drama. I’ll just stop talking about this
so we can just have some peace.”
“He can’t handle the truth about how I really feel about
this, I’ll just save his feelings and say it’s fine.”
And little by little distance starts to build, because you
have to keep track of your bricks. Some people feel safer behind their walls.
They think that avoiding issues avoids conflict and thus spares the
relationship, however, this also causes isolation. And if you’re feeling alone
in the middle of a relationship, then it’s not working anymore. Those walls
need to come down.
Now, nobody like breaking down these walls (except maybe
Miley Cyrus), since it involves talking about all the stuff that NOBODY wants
to talk about. Secrets, lies and feelings are all awkward topics of
conversation, but in the long run connecting honestly with your partner is what
will keep you strong. You need to be building up yourselves and your
relationship, not building walls to keep each other out.
So have a close look at the walls between you and your
partner, maybe it’s still just a line or two, maybe it’s a re-enforced castle
wall built over many years. Either way, there’s hope. If you want to get closer
with your partner, start picking away at those bricks. Little by little, bit by
bit, brick by brick, take down your walls and connect with the one you love.
