I'm Fine

Photo from beautifulprofilepictures.blogspot

I was watching a sitcom the other day that got me thinking. (Not what they’re usually known for, right?)

A character was going through a personal crisis and called her Dad, then her fiancé and finally her friend. She didn't explain what the problem was, just asked if they could come give her a hand with something. All three were busy and asked if it was important. Her reply to all three was: “Naw, it’s stupid.” Which turns out to be her code for; “It’s important to me.” Her friend figured it out but her fiancé didn't and this caused her to doubt the man she’s supposed to marry.

For people living in the age of communication, we sure suck at communicating. 

Just look at this woman’s dilemma for a minute. She doubts her choice of partner because he couldn't figure out the one time when “No” actually meant “Yes”. 

That sounds ridiculous to me. And the crazy part is that we all do that sometimes! 

“Yes, I’m fine.”

“No, I’m not mad at you”

“It’s OK, I don’t mind”

We all say these things sometimes when we want to shout:

“NO, I’M NOT FINE! I’M HURT, SAD, ANGRY AND UPSET. BUT I WANT YOU TO FIGURE IT OUT ON YOUR OWN!”

Why do we do that? Especially since we all get irritated when we get those answers from others? Will we feel more cared-for if someone else takes the time to work out what’s wrong? Is it because we will feel less selfish if someone else points out the problem? Could it be that we sometimes don’t really understand WHY the situation or behaviour is bothering us and we want someone else to work it out? (Because let’s face it, self-evaluation is rarely pleasant.) Or are we really so conceited that we think that it’s up to the people around us to figure out what makes us tick?

Whatever the reason, there’s a simple reality we need to face. We live in a world of fallible, forgetful, self-absorbed, easily distracted, humans. And love alone can't fix that. Nobody is perfect.  Nobody is psychic. Nobody can look into your heart and know what you want without a word being said. No matter what chic-flicks tell us, nobody will just instinctively know what you want or need, just because they love you.

You need to tell them. You. Yourself. With words. Not clues or hints or skimps or riddles or double meanings.

You need to sit your partner down, look them in the eye and tell them: “When I do this or say that, I need you to say this to me or act in such-or-such a manner.”

If they ask what’s wrong, you need to tell them. If you can’t tell them right away then say so. It’s perfectly acceptable to say: “I’m not OK, but I can’t talk about it right now. Give me some time to just sort myself out, and then we’ll talk” And then DO go back to them and talk it out.

And if you ever get that response from your partner, RESPECT IT. Pushing them to talk just to satisfy your curiosity will lead to a fight or a closed heart, neither of which will be beneficial to you. Be patient, let them work themselves out. The old Biblical phrase: “Love your neighbour as yourself” applies here. Treat your partner the same way you would like to be treated; which means LISTENING when they tell you what bothers them and REMEMBERING what they need you to do/say in certain situations.

Now, just take a moment and think about the amount of doubts, fears, tantrums and tears that could be spared by just applying this to your relationships..........

Seems worth the effort to me.