We need to talk...

by Annette Matthee

“Here we go again” you think. 

Then you shut down and somewhere far, far away you hear someone making a noise that might resemble actual language…

I can think of so many times that those words, “we need to talk”, have been uttered in the hope that we can sit, talk & resolve whatever it is that needs to  be resolved - so that we can walk away a little lighter and happier.

Yet you sit and start talking – and you hope fervently that your partner is indeed listening, because he/she has this kind-of ‘blank’ look. You’re thinking: “do they even realize this is an issue?!” 

And when you’re done, you sit silently waiting for a response… 

“Hello? Did you hear what I was just talking about?” 

And you get some kind of a reply: “Am I supposed to say something? I thought you were doing the talking…”

And eventually you give up, because this is not working and you decide to just carry on the way things are…

Then you fall into the next trap: you say to yourself “Ag, I can deal with this. I just have to get over it.” Yes, sometimes that is the case, but then, what would be the harm in sharing the fact that you’re just going to get over it? The point is that you are in partnership. This means you’re in whatever situation together and most probably you need to ‘get over it’ together.

You see, there’s a secret to communication: it goes two ways. And right about now you might be thinking “but I know that!” Yet we all have experience in (sometimes severe) miscommunication. And you realise that maybe there is something we keep on getting wrong.

So here’s the catch: In order for us to actually communicate, there are 4 things that need to happen.

1)      You need to talk

2)      Your partner needs to listen

And then…

3)      You need to listen

4)      Your partner needs to talk

If any one of these things does not happen, you are bound to have miscommunication.

So, if it’s needed, take the time to explain and agree to the 4 requirements (in a “we need to talk”-session) so the next time you can both feel more responsive, knowing what is expected.

Just please, please, do not give up. Your happiness does indeed depend on you – you not giving up, you getting the things that worry and bug you off your chest, out in the open and sorted.

Fighting like a pro

During the first stage of a relationship, most people will have very few fights. Disagreements get squashed as soon as possible because we’re all on our best behavior and don’t want to do anything “to mess it up”. We will make excuses for the other person’s actions, apologize quickly for our own, adjust our plans, all in order to avoid upsetting the apple cart.

But as we get more secure in our relationships we start standing our ground a bit more.

“HE can change HIS plans, I made my arrangements first. He doesn't own me.”

“SHE needs to get over it; this is just the way I am. Take it or leave it.”

And so, the longer we are together, the more the fights seem to escalate. And one day, it becomes a power struggle. A socially expected (yeah, that’s right, not accepted but EXPECTED) power struggle. Just think about the amount of movies and sitcoms you saw in the last week about the struggle to win an argument in a marriage. If confronted with an argument from your spouse, the goal is to outwit, outsmart, outplay the other person, Survivor style, right? The winner is the person who sways the argument in their favor and gets their way, not matter the tactics used.

Now, anybody that’s been in a serious relationship for more than 5 minutes will know how these fights go. It starts with a mild disagreement and before you know it old cows are being dragged up out of long-forgotten ditches. Voices get raised, insults and accusations get flung about and finally someone storms off or sulks in silence. Both of you are now upset, hurt and furious. And the problem will 90% of the time not be solved but actually worsened by the whole argument.

So where do you go from there? Simply bully the person to submit to your will? Go ahead and do whatever you like with or without your partner’s consent? Manipulate them with sex or money or guilt?

That’s not helpful, positive or loving in any way. Nobody wants to be that person and yet we all do it.

Do you mind a bit of a Dr Phil-ism? A lot of the times we’re fighting about topics to avoid talking about the issues. It’s a lot easier to screech at your husband for getting home late from the office than to admit that you’re insecure about your body and worried about the new receptionist at his office. And yelling at your wife about spending too much money makes you less vulnerable than admitting that you’re scared about your financial future and that makes you feel like an inferior man.

So here’s my suggestion: (and please note, these are suggestions that I’m trying to follow myself. Sometimes I even succeed! But we all struggle with these)

Firstly, remain calm. Don’t let you emotions run away with your head and don’t say things in anger. If you can’t do that, then take a break. If you’re in a fight and you feel yourself giving in to angry emotions, then rather press pause. My partner and I have agreed to pause any argument at any stage before we say hurtful things. Leave the room, gather your thoughts, go back in and resume the argument, minus the heat. DO NOT USE THIS AS AN EXCUSE TO AVOID THE FIGHT!!! This is just a break to gather yourself. Leaving things unresolved will only make things worse. Take 5 minutes to breathe and then go back. Don't leave the house or run away, stay till it's sorted.

Secondly, never get personal. The issue you are disagreeing about is external, whatever you may feel like in the moment. Avoid any sentences that start with YOU ARE SO… or THIS IS SO TYPICAL… or even worse YOU’RE JUST LIKE… Most arguments are about behavior or people’s reaction to situations or simple misunderstanding. People's mistakes and behavior DO NOT define who they are as people. You don't want to be judged that way, so don't judge your partner for their actions.

Third, THINK! Think about WHAT exactly you want to say. What is the ACTUAL issue and how will you communicate this in a way that your partner will understand? What are you feeling and WHY? Try to explain in a calm and clear manner. And keep your ears open to hear what your partner is trying to communicate to you.

Lastly, finish the fight and then let it go. If you're still holding on to something then you're not done talking about it. Don't discuss it to death, you don't need to nitpick about every little detail, but be sure to come to a point where you can comfortably let this go. Fights should be forgotten. Retain the lessons that you learned from the situation but don't hold on to the memory of the argument. It's hard, because our fierce emotions want to implant the moment into our brains but it's really not worth it. Let it go, make peace and move on.

The goal is to find a compromise that leaves both parties happy and then to re-unite as a stronger team. Remember, the struggle is not against your partner. You're on the same team, so work it out to build a stronger relationship.

I'm Fine

Photo from beautifulprofilepictures.blogspot

I was watching a sitcom the other day that got me thinking. (Not what they’re usually known for, right?)

A character was going through a personal crisis and called her Dad, then her fiancé and finally her friend. She didn't explain what the problem was, just asked if they could come give her a hand with something. All three were busy and asked if it was important. Her reply to all three was: “Naw, it’s stupid.” Which turns out to be her code for; “It’s important to me.” Her friend figured it out but her fiancé didn't and this caused her to doubt the man she’s supposed to marry.

For people living in the age of communication, we sure suck at communicating. 

Just look at this woman’s dilemma for a minute. She doubts her choice of partner because he couldn't figure out the one time when “No” actually meant “Yes”. 

That sounds ridiculous to me. And the crazy part is that we all do that sometimes! 

“Yes, I’m fine.”

“No, I’m not mad at you”

“It’s OK, I don’t mind”

We all say these things sometimes when we want to shout:

“NO, I’M NOT FINE! I’M HURT, SAD, ANGRY AND UPSET. BUT I WANT YOU TO FIGURE IT OUT ON YOUR OWN!”

Why do we do that? Especially since we all get irritated when we get those answers from others? Will we feel more cared-for if someone else takes the time to work out what’s wrong? Is it because we will feel less selfish if someone else points out the problem? Could it be that we sometimes don’t really understand WHY the situation or behaviour is bothering us and we want someone else to work it out? (Because let’s face it, self-evaluation is rarely pleasant.) Or are we really so conceited that we think that it’s up to the people around us to figure out what makes us tick?

Whatever the reason, there’s a simple reality we need to face. We live in a world of fallible, forgetful, self-absorbed, easily distracted, humans. And love alone can't fix that. Nobody is perfect.  Nobody is psychic. Nobody can look into your heart and know what you want without a word being said. No matter what chic-flicks tell us, nobody will just instinctively know what you want or need, just because they love you.

You need to tell them. You. Yourself. With words. Not clues or hints or skimps or riddles or double meanings.

You need to sit your partner down, look them in the eye and tell them: “When I do this or say that, I need you to say this to me or act in such-or-such a manner.”

If they ask what’s wrong, you need to tell them. If you can’t tell them right away then say so. It’s perfectly acceptable to say: “I’m not OK, but I can’t talk about it right now. Give me some time to just sort myself out, and then we’ll talk” And then DO go back to them and talk it out.

And if you ever get that response from your partner, RESPECT IT. Pushing them to talk just to satisfy your curiosity will lead to a fight or a closed heart, neither of which will be beneficial to you. Be patient, let them work themselves out. The old Biblical phrase: “Love your neighbour as yourself” applies here. Treat your partner the same way you would like to be treated; which means LISTENING when they tell you what bothers them and REMEMBERING what they need you to do/say in certain situations.

Now, just take a moment and think about the amount of doubts, fears, tantrums and tears that could be spared by just applying this to your relationships..........

Seems worth the effort to me.

Reacting in pain

Photo by Murray Mitchell

Anonymous wrote:

"After my husband and I had been dating for a while, I noticed a growing jealousy in him. At first he was jealous of every moment I spent with platonic guy friends. Then he started getting annoyed about my girlfriends. Then he got iffy about my family. I was starting to feel trapped and he was getting more and more jealous of all the people in my life. We fought about it constantly. I had to defend every moment I was spending with anyone besides him.

I told him it feels like he doesn't trust me.

He said it’s not me he doesn't trust, it’s the other people. I’m too trusting, they could lead me astray.

I told his to stop being ridiculous.

He wanted to know what was wrong with wanting to protect his girl.

I told him he doesn't own me……

Sound familiar?

I was at a loss. I had given him no reason not to trust me. None of my friends were up to any funny business. Where was this coming from?

Then I realized it was coming from his past. Like myself and so many other people, he’d been betrayed and hurt more than once by both friends and lovers. This was not about me at all. This was about him and the way he saw things. He saw these relationships from a place of pain and he simply wanted to protect me and himself. Because he had gotten hurt in these relationships he expected that he would get hurt again.

So I started making sure that he always knew exactly where I was at all times and who I was with. I invited him along and was completely transparent, I think I might have gotten a little annoying! But eventually he realized that this relationship was different and that I would keep his heart safe and then he relaxed. He is completely fine with everyone now. We haven't fought about this in years."

When it comes to our emotional hearts, people are at their most primal. And a hurt heart is protected by a snarling animal of suspicion and self-defense. We can’t think logically. And the old adage:”time heals all wounds” is complete nonsense. Physically, the part of our brain that handles emotions has no concept of time! Look it up. Your memories are powerful because your brain experiences them like they are happening right now. This is wonderful for those great memories you never want to forget. But it’s terrible for those painful experiences we would rather not remember. Just because you were hurt 3 years ago doesn't mean that the wound feels 3 years old. All time does is makes us used to the feeling of pain until doesn't bother us so much.

And so, the moment you spot anything that remotely reminds you of your painful experience, your primal animal snarls and reacts in what it deems to be the best way to protect your heart from more pain. And this reaction is seldom logical, civilized, voluntary or thoughtful.

So the next time your partner reacts in a way that you don’t understand, consider that they might be reacting from a place of pain. Maybe their behavior has nothing to do with you but they are simply reacting in the interest of self-preservation. So maybe, cut them some slack. They're not trying to be difficult. They are hurt and a little scared of getting hurt even more. Is there something that you could do (or stop doing) that can comfort them and make them feel safer in those situations?

And look out for that same reaction in yourself. If you realize that you’re reacting in this way, maybe you need to work through some of your own past pains. Don't punish someone else for your pain. Work through it (with professional help if needed), learn from it, grow from it and let it go. Don't let your own past pains color your views and perspective.

Changing your behavior

Please do not tell me you will never change for someone else. Have you ever thought how unbelievably arrogant that statement is? Especially considering that you expect your partner to change for you.

“I would never!” you exclaim indignantly. “I love my partner JUST the way they are and they love me the same. And if they expect me to change well then that’s just too bad. They need to love me for who I am, take it or leave it. I will not change for someone else!”

Well now, take a moment to think about that.

Take an honest look at your own expectations about your partner.

Have you ever thought:

“Well of course he’s going to stop going out on Fridays to drink with his buddies. When we get married he’ll stay home and watch Game of Thrones with me every Friday night. That’s what committed couples do!”

“Naturally she’s going to start cooking once we get married/move in together! That’s just the way these things work. “

“Obviously he’s going to spend less time on the computer once we become more permanent, this is just a single-guy-thing”

“Yes she spends all her money on shoes right now, but once we have a home together she’ll become thriftier because we’re in this together”

No? You never had a single thought of that nature? Is this not an expectation of change?

I am of the opinion that both parties need to change constantly for a relationship to last.

And before you start getting hysterical about “losing who you are, to please someone else” and “abuse of power” and “being untrue to who you are as a person”, I am NOT talking about changing your personality, what you believe in or your values. Anybody expecting you to change these elements about yourself should be kicked to the curb, I completely agree. Your personality, beliefs and values makes you who you are, this is true. But I’m not talking about that. I’m talking about adjusting your behavior. The steady diet of “Love yourself for who you are” that the media had been pouring down our throats in an effort to fight depression, has us believing that all our behavior is excusable under “This is just who I am”

Nagging is not a part of who you are, it’s your behavior.

Staying out all hours drinking is not a part of who you are, it’s your behavior.

Bringing up past mistakes in current fights is not a part of who you are, it’s your behavior.

Leaving your laundry on the floor is not a part of who you are, it’s your behavior.

You expect your partner to accept this behavior from you while at the same time demanding that they change similar behavior in themselves? Is this not arrogance? Isn't it enormously arrogant to assume that you are above reproach and that your behavior should be “endearing” while your partners’ behavior is “annoying”? You will never change for someone else? Maybe that statement is worth re-thinking.

But let’s face it, change is effort. Nobody likes changing because part of change is admitting that something is just not working. Changing takes maturity. Change takes a mind shift. But, more often than not, the changes that you need to make are minor behavior adjustments that make a huge difference.
For example, just remembering to put the cap back on the toothpaste (a 2 second move) could save you from another meaningless argument (45 minutes of agony). Seems worth it to me!

But like the saying goes: Be the change you want to see. It's no use changing one small behavior in yourself and then fighting with your spouse to force them to change one of their. Because then you're nagging again, which is a behavior nobody want in their relationships. If you truly want a marriage with less meaningless arguments and unnecessary tension, you're going to have to be willing to begin changing yourself, regardless of what your partner does.

So, what can YOU change about YOURSELF to save you a couple of arguments and lead to a more peaceful marriage?

This is how this blog began....

I talked with a friend again today and I can't even say how many times I've had this conversation with different girlfriends. MARRIAGE IS HARD! You have to WORK at it. You get rough spots. You fight. The flame dies. You want to hit your partner with a shovel, put them through a blender and pour them down the drain. You want to leave. But you don't. Because real love isn't Hollywood, Disney, happily-ever-after-bullshit. It's committing to one person and MAKING IT WORK. It's knowing that you will always have someone on your side. It's pushing though poverty, it's struggling through sickness, it's holding on though hardships until your souls become so intertwined that you meld into one heart. 

Love is NOT a feeling. It's an act of your will. 

Wanting out sometimes is normal, we all feel like that at times. But if you leave every time the honeymoon is over you will always be lonely and alone. You will never feel the rock solid, soul entangled love that comes from WORKING at it.

 Fight for your love. 

It's the only way you'll ever really have it.

Carrie Koens - "Love is as much an act of the will as it is an emotion, and if you will to love someone, you can." Ravi Zacharias's brother when he was about to enter an arranged marriage... and the quote that is responsible for knocking me for a loop and making me fall for Peter.  Wise words.

Jessie Bekker – I am one of the divorce statistics, but how do you build on something that was never even there? A marriage is yours to make or break. It is only the two of you who can make it work. If it’s important enough for both of you, you will fight for it. Everybody has problems and issues, some more than others. But we have to try again and again to find solutions, stoke the fires and keep the flame alive. Love is the greatest thing to fight for. It is our most precious possession, especially if we have kids.

Marcelle De Jongh – With hard work comes great reward. It is AMAZING to find a life partner who understands you, supports you and defs just loves you for being you.

Lee Leanie Smith - A marriage can only work if both parties are willing to fight for it.

Elbie Richter - We are never too old to learn! Things turn out best for the people who make the best of the way things turn out. -John Wooden

Happily Ever After

…..and they lived happily ever after…..

That’s how the story goes, isn't it? Any child can tell you how love works. Boy meets girl, they fall in love, then the boy needs to save the girl from some evil or obstacle after which they get married and live happily ever after. The end.

But then, the wedding is actually not the end. It’s only the beginning.

The beginning of the most amazing, grueling, life-changing, heart-breaking, inspiring, exhausting, uplifting journey of your life.  This is your story.

Both the fairy tale and your story probably start the same. Boy meets girl, you fall in love, there’s some obstacles but eventually you make it to the altar in your white dress and diamond finger candy. And that’s part of the problem. We expect the “happily ever after” to follow in our lives as it does in every story we've been told since we were babies.

“Oh but come now,” you scoff,” I’m an ADULT. I KNOW there’ll be problems. And I’m perfectly prepared for the toilet seat fight. And I know I’ll get less flowers and we’ll probably only go on one or two dates a week. But I’m OK with that. Our love can conquer anything!”

And then, after a while, things change. “The honeymoon is over” and you learn exactly what it means. Somewhere along the lines your bubble burst, the pink candyfloss clouds dissipate and you’re left with a sinking feeling that maybe your love wasn't really as true as you thought. Maybe you married the wrong person. Maybe you just don’t love each other enough. Maybe he wasn't the person you thought he was. Maybe you've just made a huge mistake. You feel like the loneliest person on earth. The fairy tale didn't happen. Because deep down you know that you hoped the fairy tale would happen for you. 

Happily ever after…..

And now, here comes the SHOCKER…..

…..

…..

EVERY MARRIAGE GOES THROUGH THIS. 

You are not special or unique. Sorry. You are pretty standard.

And what’s more, every marriage will go through this MANY TIMES.

So how has the institution of marriage survived for so many years? Simple: men and women over the ages have WORKED at it. That part isn't in any story. But that’s the way LOVE survives for 60 years or more. It takes WORK.

And this is my reason for this blog. I didn't fully understand what it takes to stay married. Nobody does before they’re neck deep in it. Nobody talks about the highs and lows, hardships and huge rewards that come with working on and fighting for your love.

So here I create a space where you can share your stories and lessons, vent, share life lessons, ask questions. Share your experiences and spare someone else some heartache or learn from someone else's experiences and spare yourself.

Welcome to “Everything”